Blessedness and Jesus' words today

"Enjoying or showing or marked by joy or pleasure or good fortune" is what it is to be blessed, according to the Visual thesaurus. "Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy." I became curious as to who Jesus was talking to. I always assumed it was the crowd. Interestingly the start of the Beautitudes is to the disciples, but once Jesus gives the parable of building on sand and rock, "the crowd is astonished."

I don't know why it matters who he was talking to. I guess I read this as a proverb more than a magic formula this morning. Some would use this as a binding contract with God, "You said, in your word, that if I were merciful I would be given mercy. I now claim this promise!" But is that how this works? How much mercy makes us one of the merciful? If our identity were really that of the merciful, would we allow such distance and distrust in order to get our way? Even if our way was based on justice, goodness, wanting the best for others; love? Maybe.

And yet, why can't we take God at his word? Are we making something of the Bible that only relationship was meant to be? Is Jesus' talking to his intimate disciplines and then a crowd who was sweating under the same sun as him, feeling the same breeze as him, something I can claim as my own because technology has allowed these words to exist for centuries?

Flowing in the banks

I haven't been nearly as consistent with the Lectio Divina and daily reading notes (Augustine devotional) as with the Daily Office. But I think the emphasis on a God-centered life that this class has required of me (not quite accurate, but it has raised the issue in ways that are more difficult to run from than if not accountable in a class) has been extremely helpful. Knowing that journaling is required has been positive and helped form habits, but the issues that arise from these times with the Lord also become part of my thought vocabulary throughout the day.

It provides a bit of a bank for the river to follow. Or it's like a canal that is built intentionally. God may or may not honor the banks, but it's a starting point. For example, three processes have become part of my meditation in much greater focus. Perhaps I will find that God built this river or he may have allowed me to for a short time to carry his message and then flood in unpredictable ways.

Looking at life as a dialect from Tillich is the first and provides structure for the rest. A dialect is thesis (starting point) → anti-thesis (problem with proposed solution) → synthesis (change). For Tillich life is in a sense a series of closenesses to God → moving away from God, but desiring intimacy → being embraced by God. Jesus is the ground for this to happen. This is love and in the end this series of dialect processes will lead to the face-to-face encounter with God for eternity.

Another canal or river bank has become Volf's ideas on reconcilliation. I see them as dialectics as well. That forgiveness, justice, and ultimately reconcilliation are each processes that form the means for ultimate closeness within humanity. You can live a life of justice to the exclusion of forgiveness, but not honestly for too long. Determinations of innocence and guilt when looking in a mirror are less distinct as we look at Jesus' demands on our life. So often in the Bible we also see that how we respond to others is how we respond to God (I invite you to stop here, let it set for a second, re-read the first part of this sentence two or three times), which makes this even more cosmic in nature. Rather than seeing these as synonymns for each other, each requires a dying to self, a dialect of intimacy lost → thirst for closeness → reunion and love.

The third bank is a life of repentance. I think that daily times with God (not just now, but over the years) has brought a new understanding of repentance. I always lived it out as saying I'm sorry as quickly as possible for a sin and then intending to walk out a different life. What I'm finding is that it is mostly the walking. Much of my center in God is actual a life of repentance. It is humility in recognizing my frailness, but also trust that Jesus has taken the sin and wants an extraordinarily live life. It's walking on water when all the emotion, laws, momentum tend toward sinking. I always saw repentance as transient and negative, but in many respects it is putting reconcilliation in motion. Often one thought, decision, touch at a time.

Appetite

Today's Lectio Divina and Augustine reading meshed amazingly: "I approach food as I approach medicine" and "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied."

Augustine talks about a distinct line between eating for health and gluttony, but is deeply concerned that the soul can't find it. We often translate a want into a need and the soul likes the ambiguity. Interestingly, he leaves a little room at the end for grace in the line; maybe there are times when God allows a little indulgence because he love us? One can't spend too much in food just being utilitarian and vice versa food simply for pleasure is obesity and disease.

In both the Beautitude and Augustine, biology is mentioned. And not just any biology, but foundational. We get nowhere without food or drink. When I first read this Beautitude I thought, "Finally, one that requires no thought, it's straight forward, no-brainer, blah, blah, blah." But then I got this bad feeling, "Wait a minute, since when am I held accountable for my appetite?" I thought it was all about behavior; no matter what you want, only do good, only eat good, etc. But this is saying that it is the appetite for righteousness that leads to satisfaction.

Is this saying that temptation disqualifies satisfaction or is there a gap between thought and actualization and in this gap is where the hunger and thirsting are cultivated? My dad gave up salting food heavily when I was a kid. He said that over time you taste the natural flavors differently and that this becomes even better than the salting. Perhaps this type of process is what Jesus is calling us to toward satisfaction? I think of hunger and thirst as outside of my control, but that's not true. If I pace drinking water, I control the thirst or if I don't eat all day I directly control the hunger.

Or perhaps the reality is that if you live a righteous life, you will also live a metaphysically satisfying life?

Meekness and V

I'm enthralled with V for Vendetta. It's the first movie I can recall seeing twice in a weekend. I won't ruin the plot, but there is an allusion to The Passion of the Christ and there are some amazing metaphors. I found myself moved a number of times at a ton of different levels. It's got this interesting quarkiness that runs through it as well. I've thought Natalie Portman had an outstanding presence since I first saw her in Beautiful Girls. Garden State was another that showed this old-soul-innocence quality.

I thought about the character "V" in relation to meekness; actually spent a lot of time dwelling on this in light of the Beautitude from this morning. Does meekness infer restraint or more of a downtrodden quality? Is there any respect that V is meek? Perhaps in a parallel thought, it occurred to me that I was equating "inherit the earth" as "conquer the earth." I suppose this imagery comes because I don't think those in power will willingly give up their power-brokered position so that the meek can inherit it.

Meekness, certainty, and unknown

Today's Lectio Divina was on the meek inheriting the earth. There is a blessedness in being meek; in-and-of-itself. It seems that the meek live lives of humbleness, with proper perspectives of themselves and the world around them, and are gentle and lowly (NLT). Is the "inheritance" a different kind than we think? Is it just better perspective, enjoying things because a the meek you are more content? Is it a spiritual inheritance where the meek enjoy the sun or relationships a little better because they are not bound by their selfishness? I struggle with this. Why does everything have to be spiritualized and not forthright? If I inherit wealth from a dead relative, I inherit the whole enchilada. Hopefully, I will be changed by their godly character in reflecting on their life, but I can transform that tangible wealth into my life. For good or evil. I don't just gain a different perspective on wealth that translates into having no literal cash, but being happy about it. But other than the word-of-faith crowd, this Beatitude can't be interpreted as much more than a spiritual or other-worldy thing. Too many lovers of God have not inherited the earth to take the words at face value (I'm sorry but blaming them for a lack of faith may be accurate some of the time, but generally it is crap). In some respects we have to find "outs" to make sense of our experience and the Bible. We have to help God out. But God is here now, within me, outside of me, in the room, so far beyond the room, and yet he doesn't seem to feel the need to defend himself. My perspective is less than perfect and he could pull a Job on me. Perhaps this is part of meekness. That God is able to stand regardless of being misunderstood or even taken advantage of. And that be OK.

The whole thing is topsy-tervy, so counter-intuitive. How does "meekness" allow, project, propel, inheritance of the earth? It's crazy. No one gets here from there. I got a little bent out of shape with "inheritance" above, but the whole Beatitude doesn't fit conventional wisdom. Sometimes I feel like God is using words as loopholes to keep from accountability. It's like when President Clinton was fumbling with the definition of "is." Concepts of justice and abundance, any type of reading of the Bible as a contractual basis for prosperity in any respect, leads to disappointment and unobtained expectations. There is no recourse. No judge of God. And this is the way it's supposed to be. For the covenential language of justice and sacrifice has been engulfed by reconciliation. You can't hold a trial for God. You gather into him or you repel, but you can't simply stand in judgment (not at least for too long). Perhaps meekness is a perspective or life lived in reconciliation.

Why does Jesus say this about meekness? Is it to help the self-esteem or provide an ego boost to disenfranchised people? Is he giving us information about how the world changed after his historical, redemptive work? If we were an adult prior to the start of Jesus' ministry and through his ascension that we would say everything changed in religious or spiritual understandings? That our sense of connection or disconnection, attraction or disdain to God have new criteria and Jesus' message to the meek is helping us make sense of this? That the consciousness exposed in all humans through Christ is now a much less forgiving standard than the law? Playing in the gray is not an option. Or is this how it has always been for believers, and Jesus is now revealing what the Apostle Paul spoke of as the "mystery?"

As a tall, white, middle class man should I glean from this that the meek need protection because they will inherit the earth; the meek deserve respect because of their prominent role in God's economy; that I should become the meek? There are probably many messages. And is it possible that in the midst of positional dominance (a religion that sees itself as the full revelation of God/Christianity, tall, white, middle class male) I can become part of the meek?
Is it possible to be meek, inherit the earth, and yet not know Jesus (i.e. go to hell)? Over the last week a number of Ghandi's quotes have come up. The ones I've heard I been so consistent with Jesus' ways and offered amazing wisdom. No one can judge him, but is he part of the meek?

The experiential and the study

In class last night someone mentioned how the Daily Office is more of a prayer and puts you in a different place than a typical Evangelical quiet time Bible study. I think this is accurate. I found myself wanting something more experiential than reading a chapter or some other arbitrary length of scripture. The Lectio Divina provides this. Unfortunately, if a more traditional Bible study doesn't take place, you are kind of left without context or big-picture perspectives.

One of the disappointments I've had in transitioning to the Lectio Divina and Augustine daily readings has been a lack of outward focus. It is intimately a time with the Lord, but I find that my concern centers on me only as opposed to the love of other through prayer that I was experiencing more from the Daily Office. I think this is why meditating on the Beatutifudes clicks.

Naked in the beatitudes

This week I changed focus for the Lectio Divina to Matthew 5. Each day I will meditate on a particular beatitude. Yesterday was the poor in spirit. Each time I would read the passage, I found myself naturally slowing a bit. It was far and coming closer. What is the poor in spirit? As Jesus was talking, they would have known who they were. He's talking to us! We are connected in a way that excludes the non-poor. And as I was reading this, I realized I am really not part of the poor in spirit; but it's a blessing to know that I want to be, need to be, am in God's hand toward that.

My dear heavenly father,
I thank you that the kingdom
is not the way we think it should be.
I thank you for the identity you
have with the poor in spirit,
and that you tug on the hearts of
those who are not in this poverty.
Thank you for your kingdom.
I ask that it expand on earth as
it is in heaven.
May I be part of it, molded by it,
transformed by it, made poor by it.
I love you and give you this day.
In Jesus' name, amen, ...

Today was about mourning and blessing. Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted. To be comforted is a blessing. Miroslav Volf spoke of this blessing in sharing with the sufferings of Christ. That to suffer in this way is to experience his love and presence in a sense more tangibly than other aspects of our relationship to God. A communion that is precious. Perhaps those who mourn are blessed within the mourning itself. That to mourn in a healthiness is rare and yet pain is so prevalent in our lives. That many run from mourning and never allow for the blessing of temporalness to know we have limits and to allow those limits to shape us for love, allow for a life of peace, and to generally take action. Is there an innocence in mourning? It is true and perhaps requires us to deal with our sin and selfishness in honest ways. Mourning provides a boundary that we can taste. In our mourning is a dance of innocence; the victim becomes the avenger. Jesus understands. Perhaps mourning is that point in which all falseness is stripped and you are freely naked.


From the Augustine reading today.

And the happy life is this:
To rejoice in you.
To rejoice for you.
To rejoice because of you.
I say it again:
Life is joy in you,
who are the Truth,
O my God, the light of my soul,
the health of my body!

Discipline

I forget that it's all in relation to the Lord; all activity, attitude, perspective, hope, and even pain. When you feel like much of life is edgy or out of control, you hunker down and take a short path to stability; you stop the bleeding; you do what you think God hasn't or can't. Ironically, it leads to a round-about sojourn.

The last few days I haven't done my devotions. I think it's out of familiarity. The Daily Office was new, fresh, but daily devotions are more normalized. It's just a matter of discipline.

I've been listening to Covey's The 8th Habit and he talks about discipline being lifeless without vision, and both being meaningless without consciousness. To have the Spirit compel, but to be in a place where it can compel. You may not be able to control lightening, but you can establish an environment that is conducive to it.

Play within reconciliation and death; hello Daily Office, tonight

Tonight I wanted to do the Daily Office. I had just watched Matthew.

So many things seem to theologically penetrate me. Life as a deep dance of reconciliation; not just the/a divine moment, but every action. I participate in it or I repel it. I am captured by Christ's redemption or I am distanced. I dispense mercy or I steal soul elements of another. And life as mourning and getting on the other side of that. Theologically our expectations as crucified and this is death. Giving out of poverty (part of me removed; it leaves room for change; it causes a cavity for breath) instead of abundance (the cost as arbitrary; forgotten quickly). Death → forgiveness → reconciliation. I hear the foot steps of Paul Tillich's dialectic yet again.

So I wanted to do the Daily Office and I chose one from the Prayer Book for the 21st Century. It has a lot of process theology. I like that God wept; that he has capacity to change his mind; that his love for creation marks not just a distant artist from his work, but a compulsion that the artist is beyond his art and yet runs through it. But I found the reworking of the Psalms for a more process feel to be a bit too much. Perhaps another day it will seem different. For tonight I think a danger in process theology is that we can loose fear and awe. If God changes and we think we can now peg that characteristic, have we not become foolish and devilish?

Timers

This morning I started with the Augustine devotional. It was powerful, about the imagery of Jesus as valley of tears and beautiful mountain top. No human can ascend without a descent first. The devotion was more prayerful, but still distant.

In the Lectio Divina I left my voice recorder at work yesterday, and so did it the old fashioned way. It was good, but I a tough time with the contemplative piece. I set a 5-minute sand timer to encourage at least some amount of time being spent meditatively. But, my life is filled with these timers. Timers of "conventional wisdom." At work it is deadlines for projects. The message is that the appearance of efficiency is king. It's always about building trust or tearing down misperceptions. And I struggle. There's no substance. Ian, my professor for this course, talked about time as simply a means to mark change. And so we set deadlines for getting degrees, a house, married, while others set them for us. There is a dance of expectations and then we presume to know the mind of God; for me that he is continually angry with a lack of progress. The "you could have been somewhere, but your not," syndrome. We set them for physical fitness and other disciplines. And it feels so artificial. Perhaps because in so many ways the assessment of success in these areas would not be positive. Perhaps because accountability isn't supposed to be fun.

And yet, I felt like God was honored in my 5-minute time commitment. Ironically within a few minutes of contemplating, I had some really neat ideas, thoughts from the Lord, but I can't think of them now. It's ironic because I stopped the contemplative section to write them down before I forgot.

Biology

"Late have I loved you,
O Beauty so ancient and so new.
Late have I loved you!

You were within me,
while I was outside of myself.
I was searching for you
in all the outward joys and beauties.
And all I found was loneliness."

This was the starting of the Augustine devotion this afternoon (didn't allocate enough time for this morning). I was really moved by it. How ironic that we look outside of ourselves in other things for joy. This is particularly difficult when the things are people. To submit our biology, those core elements that seem so meaningful is difficult. To give up treasure is easy compared to the love of a lifetime, the hope of children, even physical healing. It's the biology that touch us so deeply, spiritually and yet God is there and joy is more than a potential.

Changed imperceptibly through quietness and the unknown

This is the second time that I've done the Lectio Divina as a personal devotion. Each has been on Psalm 23:1-3. I've been kind of blazing my own path with it. I read the scripture slowly into a voice recorder trying to pause deliberately at commas and periods. I do this three or four times into the recorder with a pregnant pause between each reading. I then listen to the multiple readings without looking at the Bible. Today I must have listened to the verses eight times or more. I then took five minutes using a sand timer to allow the Holy Spirit to speak to me.

I have to admit that I didn't approach today's quiet time with enthusiasm. I've felt a distance with the Lord lately and Lectio Divina just didn't seem attractive. It didn't occur to me to start with prayer; I think I approached it simply as another task that needed to be done. There are four steps which I found better to re-order. The first is the reading of the scripture. I mentioned the change I made there, above. I like the voice recorder element. It changes it from comprehension being a cerebral process to one that uses auditory sensation to paint a different picture. Then rather than speaking to God about the scripture, I went silent and meditative for him to speak to me. I was disappointed because it seemed lifeless. It didn't feel like I was getting much from the Psalm because it has become such a cliche, but then there was the Word. The impression I received was that this time wasn't necessarily about cognitive experiences, but I had asked to be changed in these moments and God was doing just that in subtly, quietness, and the unknown.

The last part was to ask God how this is supposed to impact my call. I didn't do much with this.

A bit on sight

Perhaps part of the problem is seeing things through the eyes of others. There are psychologists who believe there is no other way of seeing. They would say that everything we think is filtered through how we think others would experience it. Some see the eye as an apparatus capable of perceiving a vast array of the spectrum, but that we are able to see very little because of preconceived notions. Our eyes are limited by our expectations.

I found a lot of my day driven by the eyes of others. If I were to do this, I would be in good graces with this person, or if I were to do that they would see me as this. In daily devotions I think I do this as well. To expect based on what others I admire might expect or to try to do tricksy, cool things because so-and-so would really see that as edgy. I don't know that this is anymore or less a part of my life than others. It may even be how we are partially wired. How does an infant learn from literal nothingness to adulthood and the full nuances of life without this kind of disposition? Perhaps in this way, trust precedes language.

But I admire those who might be marching to a different beat. Not out of pretentiousness or cool factor, but because they have the capacity and courage to walk through the bounds of conventional wisdom or perception. I think this is one of the lessons of Jesus. Not that it's salvation material, but part of life to the full.

May the Lord grant you eyes that are in whole relation to the rest of the body. Clean, fresh, good eyes. Eyes that don't corrupt the heart or pain those around you. May a narrative in holy scripture release a flame that you never saw coming; that changes the way you see everything...

Easing into a new week; a new discipline

I performed my last Daily Office a few minutes ago (last expressly for this class anyway). It was nice. Sad and applicable. I felt compelled to email my Oma who is in a convalescent home. Just before it, I received an urgent prayer request and that occupied components of the Daily Office.

Today, I've been thinking about Jesus. At church we had a prophet couple come in. I didn't get to experience much - I was part of the tithe counting crew. I found myself disappointed that skepticism was so much of my make-up. In home group this afternoon, there was just this nice mellowness. There were people who were so blessed, you couldn't help but smile often and big. Funny how we build fences, given emotion life rather than allowing them to help us understand where we are in life, and perhaps concentrate on that which is out of control.

So, this week starts a new series of disciplines. Probably lectio davina and a devotional book - Early Will I Seek You: A 40-Day Journey in the Company of Augustine. I should have probably journaled a bit more on the transitionary thinking between the Daily Office, but I think that will come in the coming days.

Communion and panentheism

Friday evening I didn't perform the Daily Office because I wanted God to speak differently, more dynamically. In essence, I didn't want the component of faith that requires risk, that requires strain, to be part of the equation, and I lamented that there was no way of "breaking the rules." That's just how spiritual matters with the Lord work.

But yesterday, it occurred to me that God can provide ecstatic moments that are outside of the "rules." The mystics knew this, even Paul Tillich speaks of it, and yet I had pulled it out of the realm of spiritual repertoire. Moses and Jacob had close encounters as did Brother Lawrence. I then read Marcus Borg's introduction to the book A Prayer Book for the 21st Century in which he sets up panentheism (not pantheism) as an alternative to "supernatural theism." In the end he sees them as somewhat complementary (panentheism offers less in terms of language for worship, so in this supernatural theism plays a part, but supernatural theism can be dangerous because it makes God out to be a being in expressions we understand which is fundamentally a misunderstanding).

Borg's starting point for panentheism is trouble with God's intervention. How does one understand a God who sometimes intervenes and sometimes not? The idea is not developed much in this short introduction, but in panentheism, God is above all, but also in all. So for Borg, it sounds like reconstituted where one is looking for the intervention or maybe the whole thought of intervention by knowing that God is within creation changes everything. It would have been nice if a gave a little meat.

This week closes the Daily Office for my class. So, last night I chose to do the holy communion liturgy. It was moving, though a little odd using a can of grape juice and a wasabi rice wafer. It too had panentheistic overtones. In 21st century flare, I then watched the latest Nooma video, Rhythm. In it Rob Bell introduces the concept that "everyone has the music playing in them, it's just a matter of whether they are in-tune that's the issue," by almost stated Borg's panentheism words verbatim. At least it sounded verbatim at the time. Unfortunately, neither Bell nor Borg really gets beyond the idea that selective intervention by God seems unfair. But what an interesting day.

No Daily Office this evening

I chose not to do the Daily Office this evening. I feel like I'm supposed to give to God in the Daily Office, but I really would prefer for him to speak to me. Without faith, without presumption, without misunderstanding, without theological assumptions, without all the distance and mumbo-jumbo, ...

But alas, some things are impossible.

Angry

I'm angry that...

to see the things I'm angry about in a blog was just too difficult.

Daily Office this evening

My sanctuary for the Daily Office tonight.




Oh God of all gods,
grant us your light this night,
your grace as we sleep,
your joy in the morning
and let us be made pure in the well of your health
Lift from us any anguish,
take from us empty pride,
and lighten our souls
with the light of your love.




Jesus Christ, Son of Mary,
Holy Spirit, Light of Life,
shield and sustain us
and all our dear ones,
this night and every night.
Amen.

Rejection, vision, and doing what needs to get done

My boss today said two diverse and yet interrelated things: I'm unproductive and a disappointment, and I have great potential, could be amazing, am the most honest and kind man, my job needs me, and by the time he retires I should be in good shape (in the next two years).

As I've struggled with the discipline of the Daily Office, my work has been a struggle. I don't particularly have a vision for it. I did once. My employer was becoming recognized nationally for its technological innovation. The technology was the best in Connecticut and the state has been reviewing the standards I put together to incorporate in their large construction projects. I wanted an egalitarian organization where people would enjoy coming to work and this would motivate the best in them. I tried accommodating the broken and the odd. I engineered millions of dollars of projects and rebuilt most of its infrastructure to amazing levels. But a multiplicity of dreadful things happened and I thought the answer was that vision should be done by others. Perhaps I wasn't paid to have vision, but to do what is asked of me only. So I answer everyone's calls and emails in a timely and courteous manner, I attend meeting upon meeting and look for ways of being part of the overall community, sometimes in ways I think are unhealthy. I keep my staff minding their P's and Q's, I watch the political projects and communicate like mad, and I try to keep a step ahead of where my boss' next concern might come. So, now what?

I don't have vision for much of anything really. It seems as if most areas of my life are fairly equal in tatteredness. I have no real room for complaint, but can't seem to find motivation. But in my work, I still somehow thought I was above average, good at leading, and generally productive. I couldn't stop myself from crying in front of my boss. The things least attractive about my being were open and I hadn't even known it.

I'd been emailing a women over a couple of weeks, and then a week of silence. I emailed her this afternoon - I believe in trying to start and end things well. I think she will find the goodbye uplifting. Interestingly, things were going well and we were compatible in many respects (even a personality profile told us so!). I wonder if she found me unproductive or a disappointment? In reality it is probably good that nothing came of it, but even subtle rejection is a bit of a bummer.

What's the answer? In my first class at Hartford Seminary there was a focus on the beauty of disillusionment. To live in reality, its rawness, its potentials was better than living in an idealized lie. But, I must admit, I'm not sure how much more of the "beauty" I can take. The conventional wisdom is less sinning, more worship and praise, more Bible reading, more praying, more church, more serving, more loving, more doing what needs to get done... It's the advice that I'd give anyone, but it just seems so lifeless.

Planning, legalism, God-interjection

The last few days I've been struggling with the Daily Office. "Struggling," that is Christianese for blowing-off/not doing, and yet feeling sufficiently bad about it. It's been easy blaming the paper due yesterday for consuming me. But the reality is that I own it. An aspect of the Daily Office that has been new is the component of planning. What songs will you sing, what scripture will you read, etc.? You know that some of the prayers coming up are for CEOs in the world and you can't recall one by name, so research a bit. I've lamented this in past blogs, but really it shows a lack of discipline on my part in general. I've slowly been getting back to using the Franklin-Covey principles for time management and find the same friction of having to plan.

Part of me hates to admit it, but daily devotions are necessary. Sure, let's call them legalistic, but I find that if I pull a bit from God in the daily devotions, other areas follow suit. Not that I completely disconnect, but I miss opportunities and find that my expectation of God being center of life is hazed in my mind.

Well, there is the mid-day Daily Office to jump on the wagon with!

My friend Eric has been doing the Lectino Davina (sp?) recently, which my little group did in class this week. It was a neat experience. I wasn't looking forward to moving away from the Daily Office to the more traditional Bible study quiet time, but this may be a neat place to be. I think back in my college days when we did inductive, deductive, and manuscript studies and this has brought a little more spring to my step.

My niece and transitoriness

Today I found the noon-day daily office to distract me. My niece is in the hospital, thousands and thousands of miles away. All of my family were physically altered and continue to be. Their day was changed.

The outcome is unclear, perhaps tomorrow we will laugh in relief or cry in deep pain, but today schedules were altered. Yet I can talk to her by cell phone and almost feel guilty because its so easy to call, why aren't I there? It feels like she's down the block, and how silly not to be there. It feels that tangible. Yet my day is not physically changed. My schedule was unhampered; the cell phone allowed it.

Have we given something to the devil in our transitoriness? When we talk and talk and talk and talk on the cell phone, but never seem to be close? One can't blame the technology, perhaps the same argument could have been made by those contemplating post or telegraph at their dawns. When we give up the well-place hand on the shoulder or the hug for adventure or just a better paying job, have we stagnated or killed a part of ourselves? New communities develop as people move and allow for that touch, but does a society of transitoriness allow for a culture of regeneration or accountability?

Or is this just life, a series of decay and rejuvination that requires careful attention or regardless of context the significant will be lost? That perhaps there is a tendency for the love to smolder, but that need not be the summation of intertwined lives at a distance?

I welcomed the distraction.

Thoughts and the moment

There was an interesting fight today in my soul. Miniscule really. When it came to the daily office in my literal office I had a bunch of amazing thoughts that came to mind. These were fresh and something that I wanted to quickly jot down to be able to remember. But I also didn't want to interrupt the flow or order of the liturgy. I found myself wanting to both just scribble a quick note and pretend the thoughts never existed. I persisted with the daily office trying to be faithful to God and at the same time see these thoughts as blessings from him. I didn't write them down, block them out, or dwell on them. Some of them have made it into this voice recorder and some of them probably haven't. But it is interesting to build my trust in the Lord that these thoughts coming to mind were a blessing and the ability to retrieve them in the context after the daily office was also a blessing.

And as I was doing the daily office today, it's a beautiful late winter-early spring day and I can see the trees and the out-of-doors, and this made for a really precious moment.

Blip with Daily Office

This weekend I struggle and failed with the Daily Office. Well, failed is a bit harsh, I didn't participate in it. But interestingly it still shaped many of the thoughts and reflections for the last few days. This morning I started the third, and final, week of the Daily Office for the class. Once again it is powerful. An amazing blessing. Well worth the price of admission!

Narcissism of a sort

I've been blogging for over two hours on singleness and the result has been numbing. No matter what I write there is a theological hammer that hits me in the head to say that my pain isn't justified. There are so many that have legitimate hurts and concerns. The wife who's struggling in pregnancy and home, but continues to inspire. The elderly in the convalescent home that feels fear thick and has no one to cry to. The migrant worker constantly wondering if INS will catch up or disease will overtake his child. So much real pain. The conclusion is clear, I should not feel what I feel.

Peace, contentment, joy. That's what it's supposed to be about. Worship, praise, loving. That's what you're supposed to do. Beauty, peace-making, communion. That's what you're to instill. But what happens when you've tried for years and the theology can't break through the experience? You can try redefining success or you can take responsibility, but either course seems to lead to the same place. I know it's impossible to come to a conclusion on something like this. I guess it's just venting in the end. And it's two in the morning, so perhaps later in the day will be unique and different...

eDaily Office reflection

I feel I would be remiss if I didn't put down some notes regarding the Daily Office I blogged a few days ago. It was my eDaily Office experinece where I literally typed it as I was going through the morning liturgy. I was in my little office in all of its messy glory (see right). I thought it was kind of corny, but why not try it? I wondered if typing it would stain the experience. But I found that it didn't, it just changed it. Each word became much more focused than if I was just reading it. I even sang as I typed, which was a little odd, but still fulfilling. And I found that just as I made mistakes when reading and going back to correct the thought, I did the same process with typos. It took at least an hour to do it this way and because of the extended length the temptation of distraction was greater. I found myself having to concentrate more.

One of the purposes of the Daily Office is not necessarily disconnecting from reality into a spiritual time, but to offer God the moment as part of a continuum. Something along the lines of praying without ceasing. I've found this to be one of the strenghts of the Daily Office. On the other hand, one of the elements that is missing is supplication for yourself. This seems to be a huge part of my normal daily devotions (now that I've substituted the Daily Office, this has become very apparent). As I would become frustrated with a car alarm going off for 10 minutes outside my window or the intrusion of traffic noise into my experience, I realized these were part of the experience.

I felt compelled to keep with the standing and sitting rituals. This proved to be quite interesting with the keyboard and all the junk on my desk, but I found it rewarding. Even the weird ache in my back somehow seemed right. I also found that I had a way of encapsulating the various moments in the Daily Office, by the use of the Return key. I could keep my focus on little longer on a section and then there was the tangible moment of striking the Return key to the next stanza.

Daily Office at Wendy's

The day before yesterday was cathartic. In speaking to one of my friends, there is a freedom to know that you are allowed to be where you are for some moment(s), if for nothing else to move somewhere else.

Yesterday I did the Daily Office in the parking lot of Wendy's at lunch. A bit difficult to stand and sit, but I managed. It speaks of our sin and repentance, but even before this God was speaking of sin and repentance. I had an email moment of humility with a vendor that I had lashed out against recently. It was the day I was sick. I was composing that email to lambash him again. What terrible service, what condescension, what a liar! And he "had won." Others in my organization thought his rhetoric made a lot of sense - I must defend myself. So I sat at the computer near midnight re-wording, re-drafting, re-thinking, re-living to the point where I stopped. Had the day yielded nothing of godly consequence? The email was short, indicating that the service he was requesting of me was in motion; no more commentary, no defense, that's it. I felt in a sense this was a reconciliatory event. Not much of one, but in that genre.

But I wasn't done. God was screaming in the Daily Office, "But you're not done with her!" With her - no, Lord. She had taken the email guy's side and my actions were justifiable as office politics, defensive territorialism, you know, just the way things get done in the "real world." I guess God missed that lesson somewhere. So right after the lunch Daily Office, I performed the paperwork my secretary would have normally done and walked it down to the accountant. I knew she wasn't the right person to give it to, but it's what I chose to do to be in proximity to her. And when I saw her, I saw the tumult of cancer time after time, the pain of multiple failed marriages, the feeling of being unappreciated, the hunched tiredness. Believe me, she's got her issues, but I had to live with her, not at a distance. I could no longer shape her into the enemy to justify myself. We walked a bit as she was thankful to get out of her office and deliver my paperwork to the right person. We parted by wishing each other a nice weekend. As with the email man, it wasn't explicit, and maybe it will require additional attention, but at least a new current has been established.

I borrowed my sister's car recently and she had the Rent musical CD on a particular song, Seasons of Love (select song 1 from disk 2 in the list to hear a snippet). Many times since hearing it, I've meditated on it. It talks about how should we measure someone's life after they are dead. Is it in terms of the cups of coffee they drank, the proportion of laughter to cruelty, the abuses, the triumphs, the disease, the honor to others, the children, the work, ... The song's conclusion is "how about love?" How do I judge the life of a person? Do I try to get into God's head to distinguish between Saved and Unsaved or decent Vs. dispicable? Do I establish acceptable standards of justifiable indiscretions for those around me, but when they cross the line, look out? Do I not require anything from their behavior to love at some deep, real, appropriate level?

Slices just make up the story - Psalms

I'm finding myself being more frank through this blogging process than ever. When I would journal, I would put down pain, but would feel a compulsion to have all the answers in the end. This still comes out, but I'm becoming more comfortable with the idea that there may not be nice neat answers. Or there may be, but they unfold outside of my peripheral and take a life time to understand?

In the class for this blog, last week, the beauty of the Psalms was explored. Perhaps they allow us to express and have anger, pain, misconstrued ideas of justice that change as we mature, childish impulses that could kill in so many ways if left unchecked, beauty, worship, praise, humbleness beyond measure, or just a desire to be done with it all because the wind is so cold and the ground so hard. Perhaps expressing a thought within a blog entry doesn't mean that's the whole story. It doesn't need tidiness and respectability. I mistakenly judged Maya Angelou for a lack of tidiness. In reading her autobiography I became frustrated that she was talking as if the thought she was writing was legitimate. As a young girl she might have had such a thought, but keeping it alive now? Surely, she would know that white people weren't the originators of sex at the time of her writing this book! But then, I didn't take the time to grow with her as the story unfolded; instead I put the book down. Maybe I'm afraid that if I am angry that this is all I will be. It's just a blog entry, not the whole book.

I was talking with a woman in my Religion and Protest class last night who expressed a similar freedom. She had given up on God until she realized that she didn't have to have all the answers. People intertwine God's ways with their own and sometimes with devilish actions and thoughts. It makes no sense - how can clean and bitter water come from the same spring? Life is messy and it's not her responsibility to make ultimate sense of it, but to love through it. Jesus makes sense and that's enough. Sometimes I feel a responsibility to instill certainty in those who love God and those who don't. I want them to feel that life is solid and makes sense all of the time. I give them certainty and name it Jesus. Perhaps God isn't very concerned with concreteness? Or perhaps this is just one of many persuasions that he wants to unfold in the misunderstood and loving moments he has with us?

Snot begets snot

I've found myself surprisingly impacted by the news of not receiving tenure. It's become a fissure from which unresolved frustration and inadequacy has flowed. The isolation and loneliness, prospect of hope unfulfilled, thought of a wasted life and of a life of which little difference was made because of my contribution, become a litany that raises in its volume as there is tacit pain in my chest. It's not the full story, but it's many of the pieces that I pretend don't exist and somehow see the process of pretending as a more Christian approach.

I've lashed out at those who are unkind or arrogant in order to inflict pain on them. Consultants and accountants look out. Somehow their suffering is thought to subdue mine. And they have struck back. Usually this is their game and I've just entered it somewhat naively. Perhaps this exchange is like an infant who knowingly goes beyond accepted behavior to see the boundary anew? Or perhaps it's like intoxication where what is real is intensified and caricatured precisely to get away from the bounds? No one's innocent, everyone's the victim, and somehow God is to sort it all out on judgment day. Good luck.

My response is so silly. It's so poisonous. You've met people who take these thoughts and build upon them. They have premature wrinkles. They are unpleasant and wholly unattractive. They have a momentum of death and want to inflict it upon all around. One should get it together.

But my sleep fails, my health is minimally tested, my ground of being is moved for a moment. That which ulimately concerns me shifts from God and his manifestation in the Kingdom to my desire to be contemplation- and pain-free. Numb it up, baby! I become the man that was originally judged inaccurately through the tenure process. Sometimes the Christian message of your identity having nothing to do with your context, the culture at-large, the world is crap. How can God expect us to pretend not to live here? I can't think a thought that hasn't been influenced by millions of thoughts before me; the Greeks, contemporary Christian music scene, academia, Bono, the Bible as seen through evangelicalism, the Bible as seen through liberals, crazy Dutch cleanliness notions, nationalism that somehow is identical to biblical Christianity, ... Is this an indictment or just the messiness that God comes to expect and love-through in our frailness?

All that being said, the path isn't elusive, just a bit hazy, and the emotion is catching up to the desire to do good. This morning I didn't want to do the Daily Office, I wanted to stay in the distance between God and me. I wanted to be justified outside of the liturgy of God's ancient ways. Tillich talks about the Abysmal part of God. The God that was comfortable with chaos prior to creation. The God who is relentless and offers mirrors within moments to see our mortality, sin, and darkness. In the scheme of things this mini-season is a molehill, not a mountain. And in some ways that adds to the pain - how stupid to have such emotion when you know it's not worth the energy exerted.

Even so, the correction, consequences, and hope will take traction. I don't want premature wrinkles.

eDaily Office

This morning I'm feeling a bit sick and generally blah. I've taken the day to try to regroup. Hopefully, I can journal a little later on that process. Presently, I will be doing the Daily Office as I blog. I'm not sure yet if I'll blog about it in this entry or another.


...
Morning Liturgy B


Among the poor,
among the proud,
among the persecuted
among the priveleged,
Christ is coming to make all things new.

In the private house,
in the public place,
in the wedding feast,
in the judgement hall,
Christ is coming to make all things new.

With a gentle touch,
with an agry word,
with a clear conscience,
with burning love,
Christ is coming to make all things new.

That the kingdom might come,
that the world might believe,
that the powerful miht stumble,
that the hidden might be seen,
Christ is coming to make all things new.

Within us, without us,
behind us, before us,
in this place, in every place,
for this time, for all time,
Christ is coming to make all things new.



In the Holy Place
Where we can enter in
By the blood of Jesus Christ
He has given us atonement
For our sins
And a love gift sacrifice

Now let's sing (echo)
To the one who's called I Am (echo)
As we praise His Holy Lamb (echo)
As we lift our hands
In this Holy Place
This Holy place



Let us pray.

Because you mae the world,
and intended it to be a good place,
and called its people your children;
because, when things seemed at their worst,
you came in Christ to bring out the best in us;
so, gracious God, we gladly say:
Goodness is stronger than evil,
Love is stronger than hate,
Light is stronger than darkness.
Truth is stronger than lies.

Because confusion can reign inside us,
despite our faith;
because anger, tension, bitterness and envy
distort our vision;
because our minds sometimes worry small things
out of proprotion;
because we do not always get it right,
we want to believe:
Goodness is stronger than evil,
Love is stronger than hate,
Light is stronger than darkeness.
Truth is stronger than lies.

Because you have promised to hear us,
and are able to change us,
and are willing to make our hearts your home,
we ask you to confront,
control, forgive and encourage us,
as you know best.



Then let us cherish in our hearts
that which we proclaim with our lips:
Goodness is stronger than evil,
Love is stronger than hate,
Light is stronger than darkness.
Truth is stronger than lies.

Lord, hear our prayer,
and change our lives
until we illustrate the grace
of the God wo makes all things new
Amen



In the beginning was the Word
And the word was with God,
And the word was God.

A reading from Psalm, chapter 51...

Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your steadfast love;
according to your abundant mercy
blot out my transgressions.
Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,
and cleanse me from my sin!
¶ For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is ever before me.
Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you may be justified in your words
and blameless in your judgment.
Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,
and in sin did my mother conceive me.
Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being,
and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.
¶ Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones that you have broken rejoice.
Hide your face from my sins,
and blot out all my iniquities.
Create in me a clean heart, O God,
and renew a right spirit within me.
Cast me not away from your presence,
and take not your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
and uphold me with a willing spirit.
¶ Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
and sinners will return to you.
Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God,
O God of my salvation,
and my tongue will sing aloud of your righteousness.
O Lord, open my lips,
and my mouth will declare your praise.
For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it;
you will not be pleased with a burnt offering.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.
¶ Do good to Zion in your good pleasure;
build up the walls of Jerusalem;
then will you delight in right sacrifices,
in burnt offerings and whole burnt offerings;
then bulls will be offered on your altar.

For the Word of God is scripture,
for the Word of God among us,
for the Word of God within us;
Thanks be to God.



Let us pray.

Holy God,
though this world depends on your grace,
it is governed and tended by mortals.

So we pray for those who walk the corridors of power in the parliaments of this and other lands, whose judgements we value or fear.


Jodi Rell
President Bush
DD
T
CT legislatures
European leaders

May they always consider those they represent,
make decisions with courage and integrity,
and resist any temptation
to abuse the trust placed in them.

Lord hear us.
Lord graciously hear us.

We pray for those who hold key positions in the worlds of finance, business and industry,
whose decisions may profit some or impoverish many.


Head of Motorola
Head of GE
Head of GD
New Chairman of the Federal Reserve
Judge over the Blackberry case

May they always value people higher than profit;
may they never impose burdens on the poor
which they would not carry themselves;
and may they never divorce money from morality
or ownership from stewardship.

Lord hear us,
Lord graciously hear us.

We pray for those in the caring professions,
who look after and listen to
kind, cruel and cantakerous folk,
and for those who make decisions
regarding the nation's health and welfare.


Head of the FDA
N
A
A
Allied Health - M

May they always sense the sanctity of life
and every person's uniqueness;
may they help and heal
by their interest as well as their skill;
and may they be saved from tiredness
and an excess of demands.

Lord hear us.
Lord graciously hear us.

And let us remember those for whom we are responsible
and to whom we are accountable
in what we do today.


M
K
J
E
T
M
J
A
J
B
J
L
C
J
J

May we show to them
the thoughtfulness, tolerance
and kindness of Jesus.

Lord hear us
Lord graciously hear us.

Lord, hear our prayers,
and if today we might be the means
by which you answer the prayers of others,
then may you find us
neither deaf nor defiant,
but keen to fulfil your purpose,
for Jesus' sake.
Amen.


Spirit of the living God,
Fall fresh on me.
Spirit of the living God,
Fall fresh on me.

Melt me, mold me,
fill me, use me.

Spirit of the living God,
Fall fresh on me.



From where we are
to where you need us,
Jesus, now lead on.

From the security of what we know
to the adventure of what you will reveal,
Jesus, now lead on.

To refashion the fabric of this world
until it resembles the shape of your kingdom,
Jesus now lead on.

Because good things have been prepared
for those who love God,
Jesus now lead on.

...