Rejection, vision, and doing what needs to get done

My boss today said two diverse and yet interrelated things: I'm unproductive and a disappointment, and I have great potential, could be amazing, am the most honest and kind man, my job needs me, and by the time he retires I should be in good shape (in the next two years).

As I've struggled with the discipline of the Daily Office, my work has been a struggle. I don't particularly have a vision for it. I did once. My employer was becoming recognized nationally for its technological innovation. The technology was the best in Connecticut and the state has been reviewing the standards I put together to incorporate in their large construction projects. I wanted an egalitarian organization where people would enjoy coming to work and this would motivate the best in them. I tried accommodating the broken and the odd. I engineered millions of dollars of projects and rebuilt most of its infrastructure to amazing levels. But a multiplicity of dreadful things happened and I thought the answer was that vision should be done by others. Perhaps I wasn't paid to have vision, but to do what is asked of me only. So I answer everyone's calls and emails in a timely and courteous manner, I attend meeting upon meeting and look for ways of being part of the overall community, sometimes in ways I think are unhealthy. I keep my staff minding their P's and Q's, I watch the political projects and communicate like mad, and I try to keep a step ahead of where my boss' next concern might come. So, now what?

I don't have vision for much of anything really. It seems as if most areas of my life are fairly equal in tatteredness. I have no real room for complaint, but can't seem to find motivation. But in my work, I still somehow thought I was above average, good at leading, and generally productive. I couldn't stop myself from crying in front of my boss. The things least attractive about my being were open and I hadn't even known it.

I'd been emailing a women over a couple of weeks, and then a week of silence. I emailed her this afternoon - I believe in trying to start and end things well. I think she will find the goodbye uplifting. Interestingly, things were going well and we were compatible in many respects (even a personality profile told us so!). I wonder if she found me unproductive or a disappointment? In reality it is probably good that nothing came of it, but even subtle rejection is a bit of a bummer.

What's the answer? In my first class at Hartford Seminary there was a focus on the beauty of disillusionment. To live in reality, its rawness, its potentials was better than living in an idealized lie. But, I must admit, I'm not sure how much more of the "beauty" I can take. The conventional wisdom is less sinning, more worship and praise, more Bible reading, more praying, more church, more serving, more loving, more doing what needs to get done... It's the advice that I'd give anyone, but it just seems so lifeless.