Ignatius down the tubes, but where to go with Merton?

Last week I started the final phase of the classes' spiritual disciplines. It is The Spiritual Exercises of Saint Ignatius. It is a serius of exercises that help place you near what is being experienced through visualization. For example, you are to envision having a conversation with Jesus as he is on the cross regarding your sin. I once met a Catholic who was into visualization and for him it was using a spirit guide to channel the experience. To me this was demonic, so I was a bit skeptical. But the first week was good with a few caviats. There are tips, requirements, and expectations shrewn throughout the week with what seems to me little order. When you get to the end there are even more requirements that pertained to the week you just went through. You can tell what day it is, but there are notes, exercises, contemplations, and sections with no apparent heading.

The first week is developing an awareness of sin and working on a particular one. I found it to be very helpful. But it wants to seperate you from God so that you feel how bad you are. It even recommends self-mortification to get there with admissions such as cutting yourself, but not to the bone. I get that it's an exercise and that other pieces are the reunion, but it seems dangerous spending so much time on how terrible you are because of sin. That being said, it also brought me to a place where I had to deal with sin and it really brought home the reality of how horrible and distructive sin is.

Today I started the second week and got so frustrated that now I think I will go in a completely different direction. It's the mechanics. I spent twenty minutes trying to figure out what you do when and couldn't find the pattern. It also looks like this is something designed to spend days with not parts of hours. It just seems unsustainable without being on a retreat (which is what it was designed for as well as for the monastic life). It also requires more "translation" and grappling with Catholic theology that becomes distracting. In the first week, a Hail Mary was required. Easy enough to incorporate the Lord's Prayer. But this week is on the Kingdom of God and the premise that the Trinity were sitting in heaven and one day noticed that humanity was going to hell and decided to send Jesus. From a theological perspective, I've never known how to work salvation prior to Christ and yet be consistent with why Jesus' redemption alone would be needed, but have accepted the paradox. But the idea that they were drinking lemonade one day and they realized that humanity was going to hell seems crazy to me as well.

I find that I identify with Thomas Merton and the contemplative life. But he intentionally doesn't do the daily exercise bit. It is unauthentic to look at it that way. I get this, but am also frustrated because I need to start somewhere and the clock is ticking on this class.