Deficits, a life lived in the past, and the future with indictments
Do you ever wonder if you have such deficits, character flaws, or mental issues that to move forward in life is not literally possible? Sometimes I must admit that these are thoughts I have. This week I've been met with big things that should bring happiness. Eric and I zoom to Idaho to participate in a Christianity in postmodernity conference. I will be seeing family that I haven't seen in over 10 years who are just wonderful. They love freely and have many testimonies of God's goodness when things weren't always so good. I should be ecstatic, but the primary emotions are actually a bit petty. I will get a lot of looks for how much weight I've put on since they have seen me last. They will be kind, but there's no way to avoid them having to recalibrate their mental image of me. It's kind of suffocating to think about. It seems to represent in a tangible way many of the areas of my life that I am most ashamed of.
Then today Eric, Katie, and I were looking for duplexes as part of the church planting adventure. This will be the first property I have ever owned and again instead of happiness there is mostly anxiety. A lot of it's normal - who doesn't think twice about buying a house. Then there are the nuances of purchasing with friends. We spend a lot of time talking through the issues, but it is natural for some anxiety. Then again, I think back to conversations about renting for so long and not having anything to show for it. And recently someone looked very suspicious of me regarding the duplex arrangement. The gesture was, "What sort of deficiency does a person who makes decent money have to be a renter and then going in on a duplex instead of buying their own house?" I guess in many ways I feel I've failed my own and others' expectations.
I find that much of my life is lived in the past. When looking at the future it feels too big or to be too much of an indictment to move forward. It wouldn't be accurate to leave this entry on a simple down note because indeed I have hope. I just can't seem to get it to translate into the future.
Then today Eric, Katie, and I were looking for duplexes as part of the church planting adventure. This will be the first property I have ever owned and again instead of happiness there is mostly anxiety. A lot of it's normal - who doesn't think twice about buying a house. Then there are the nuances of purchasing with friends. We spend a lot of time talking through the issues, but it is natural for some anxiety. Then again, I think back to conversations about renting for so long and not having anything to show for it. And recently someone looked very suspicious of me regarding the duplex arrangement. The gesture was, "What sort of deficiency does a person who makes decent money have to be a renter and then going in on a duplex instead of buying their own house?" I guess in many ways I feel I've failed my own and others' expectations.
I find that much of my life is lived in the past. When looking at the future it feels too big or to be too much of an indictment to move forward. It wouldn't be accurate to leave this entry on a simple down note because indeed I have hope. I just can't seem to get it to translate into the future.
posted by Learner at 6/10/2006 10:24:00 PM
3 Comments:
You are hippy wierdo...embrace the quirkiness, it makes you hip.
My pony tail is almost down to my bottom now and the secret rock deoderant alternative almost works!
This evening we put a bid and deposit on a beautiful duplex. Hopefully it will be accepted and pictures will be available soon
sweet. not your smell, I mean...but the duplex.
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