Rejection in continuity

I work in academia and my application for tenure was rejected today. I've worked very hard and this has been the worst year of my professional life. The first two years I worked seven days a week and was given great praise. Then through a series of unfortunate events I was accused of intimidation, anti-semitism, anti-Catholicism, mismanaging State funds, sexual harassment, etc. A formal investigation cleared me of it all, except purchasing time pieces unwisely and getting red in the ears when I'm frustrated. It found that many in my staff had fabricated the accusations and outright committed insubordination. Over the last six months my work has been seen as stellar. And yet, what should have been in the bag, must wait at least another year. I can't get out of the hole.

As my boss shut his office door to tell me the news, I was thinking about the daily office. By his demeanor I knew the outcome before he said a word. This morning part of the daily office was to pray for those in authority and those who are influenced by me. I had prayed for people responsible for the tenure rejection and those who had inflicted such pain on me. God would have been on my mind during this conversation regardless, but I like that there was a continuity between the daily office and real life. I also had this tension of feeling somehow duped into praying for people that would ultimately slap me again. I'm embarrased to say that I really don't want their best right now. Not that I want ill for them, but I'm tired and feel as if my career is in the hands of vindictive humans with an ax to grind, not the God who called life of chaos. It's a fleeting feeling and something more orthodox in terms of forgiveness and love will fill the silly gap soon, but for now I'm not sure what tomorrow's prayer will look like.

It's probably not as much about tenure as the frustration of not being able to "just be" that I mentioned in an earlier blog. If doing my best continues a deficit, what hope is there?