Opaque Reflection

Faith and conviction

2006-12-19T07:51:00.000-05:00

Hebrews 11:1

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.

I've been in Hebrews for at least a year now. Lately I've been dwelling on chapter eleven, verse one. I had kind of a neat experience with it this morning as I prayerfully dissected it. Here's a little musing with it:

Now faith equates to guarantees/the "it will get dones"/the natural ends of things desired/longed for/important/expected/deeply appreciated/wanted, the inner dialog of God with me on the things in my life that need action regarding things that are not perceptible/perhaps yet to be created or imagined.

The word "conviction" is the one that caught my attention. I suppose I struggle with the definition of faith because I see it as a means of making a wish come true, and for many the dreams never come true. It offers possibilities and life robs us. We scratch our heads. How does one live a truthful life when the experience counters the Word? We are often told to pretend. If you pretend or work hard enough, the experience will catch up. In reality, we are told it's not the experience that offends, it is the emotion. The line of reasoning is that because you feel a disconnect between the Word and your life, it is the feeling that is wrong. Sometimes this is accurate, but it doesn't move us anywhere. Sometimes resigning ourselves to the disconnect and pretending is as much idolatry as anything else we falsely attribute as God.

I guess what seemed freeing to me this morning was the cosmic sense of conviction. Faith does have a component of wish and desire, but there is also this dialog, conversation, sometimes lecture between you and God that is negotiating life, behavior, attitude. It speaks of lust in terms of imagination and love in the language of a stranger's touch. It flows through the context and culture and provides ground to stand on. Faith is in the midst of this dialog. For me, faith was a billy club to get what I want from God. I would distance myself and strike away. Funny thing is, He wouldn't budge. I could point to this verse until I was blue in the face and it didn't matter. I had neglected the love and dialog which is really what faith is all about...

Planes and doors

2006-12-17T07:29:00.000-05:00

I was talking with a guy recently who makes parts for most of the single prop planes in the world. We were talking about stress. Some time ago his company seemed to have cut corners on parts that had the potential of killing people. He had gone through a very dark season and came out on the other side. As we talked about it, one of the lessons he had learned was not to assert too much meaning in an event. "At the end of the day, what was, was. You go home and have to get beyond it."

The last three weeks we have been celebrating Advent at church. Each week associates loosely with some of the fruit of the Spirit. Joy and peace went well. They were pleasant, attractive, something we all wanted more of and were willing to help others achieve more of in their lives. I suspect pondering love this week will lack controversy as well. It's foundational and nourishes like water. But, hope... Now hope is controversial. Hope is dangerous. It builds on expectations and we are often unable to control them. Hope connects biologically when a women turns 41 and articulates that fear that started at 29. To hope in a baby at this age risks the deepest disappointment imaginable. The circumstance and experience testify against her. Hope connects to us emotionally through the millions and millions of thoughts we have accumulated on something. We have existentially birthed a life in our mind and reality never had a chance of keeping up. If you add years or decades, it can be unbearable; it can cripple and embitter. When you get to an age when experience contradicts hope, it's a desert of parchedness. Each step testifies to the risk hope posed and someone has to be the example of a hope never attained. Some speak of contentment in that situation. When unpacked, they are pretending. Rather than transformation, they have conformed to the circumstance as best they can. They try to cast the dream away, but it's like swimming against the current. You will never have enough strength to beat the river.

I was reading in Parker Palmer last night the idea that we should not resist closed doors. He personifies way in our lives and sees closed doors as beneficial and open ones. The way is made of our strengths and limitations. We must learn from each. He draws a picture of a person desperately knocking on a closed door. The world is small. The scenery never changes. The limitations and circumstances continue to chisel and shape the reality. But if I turn around, the world is actually a limitless number of open doors and the one behind me is the only closed. I picture that closed door as having blood and bone chips in it, tears mixed with saliva, slivers missing, but the integrity of the door is relentless.

Two perspectives. Interestingly, we are very good at asserting meaning to all of this. Usually translated as "I'm a f-up!" or "God's a f-up!" As I read in Proverbs about hope deferred, God doesn't talk about His responsibility. It just sounds like, "what is, is..."

Wealth gained hastily will dwindle,
but whoever gathers little by little will increase it.
Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life.
Whoever despises the word brings destruction on himself,
but he who reveres the commandment will be rewarded.

Hope is risky partially because it will reveal depths of our identity. Depths of our theology. God...

Saturday

2006-12-11T08:10:00.000-05:00

Saturday was my mom's birthday. It is also my best friend from college's oldest son's birthday. I've always thought that connection was special. Saturday, coincidentally, I was at the Museum of Modern Art in New York. I found myself being refreshed and very open to how art can touch us. I've never much cared for Jackson Pollack or even Picasso for that matter. But on Saturday I could understand how they will live as classics. They stirred me. I'm not sure how or what it means, but I could sense it in my spirit. Lord move...

Forgiveness as journey

2006-12-11T07:42:00.000-05:00

This morning I was praying the Lord's Prayer and made a connection with forgiveness that was new. I had always read the part about forgiveness as a formula, "forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who have trespassed against us." It went like this, "I will forgive others, because that is how You have acted toward me." With the louder subtext being, "If you want forgiveness you had better forgive!"

As I was praying about it, the Lord was saying, "You can't participate in something you are unfamiliar with. If you understand forgiveness as it manifests from you to others, you will be awed as it is erupting between me and you." It was as if words like forgiveness, repentance, grace, love, were not capable of being contained in a single instance or mapped out with perfection. They were relational elements from God to us, us to others, and as our capacities and appreciation grows, the paths and understandings do as well.

The message this morning was that it was impossible to live the forgiveness of God in my life if my life was not one of forgiveness. Even a small attitude change or intentional release of forgiveness in my heart opened realities that couldn't have been explored just moments before. Clarity and understanding of past forgiveness from the Lord was better. It was not a carrot/stick approach, it was an existential reality. The possibilities of forgiveness only come by actively participating in it.

Woke up startled

2006-12-10T17:35:00.000-05:00

I woke up startled from my afternoon nap today. I hate to wake up from a nap when twilight has succumbed to darkness. It's disorienting. I hate it so much that even when darkness is hours and hours away I wake up every ten to fifteen minutes to check. Or maybe that's the crazy Dutch guilt in not taking the opportunity to scrub the bathroom floor and instead sleeping? So while I love naps, generally they aren't worth the effort. Today I decided to take one anyway.

I dreamed that my grandma had called. I was amazed to hear her wonderful voice (she never calls - of the depression age where writing is more economical) and just then the phone dialed a family I knew from college. Just as I connected spiritual or emotionally, the phone dialed again. On and on and on and on the same pattern of disorientation, connection, and then another connection. Until there was this concert of voices on a single conference call. All of them talking over one another (I don't think they realized the others were on the line). They were not pulling or guilting or doing anything other than being who they were. There was no manipulation or coercion it was a huge sampling of the important relationships of my life occupying the same segment of time. Some seemed to have concerns they wanted to tell me. Others were as shocked to be on the line with me as I was. It was reach-out-america gone wild.

As I was processing all of this the cell phone rang in my dream again (after my grandma's voice, it had done all the calling) and as the phone moved from my ear to hand, the alarm buzzed, I stirred, and it was past twilight on a Sunday evening. Today. Do you ever have a moment after a dream, when you recognize there was substantive profundity, but just aren't sure what to do with it? That's where I've been since.

I think this dream was a gift. There seems to be so much that is unresolved in my life. Really, that is how life works. If it resolved, this would be one of the biggest curses I could imagine. We live as if there are at least a few more days ahead, we develop routines, some even cultivate deep lives in God and with others. Part of the psychology is "a little more time." From desire unfulfilled to have having three grandparents still alive in my 30's, but living 3,000 miles away, there is much unresolved in my life. A niece and nephew far away, and sisters and parents at a distance. When no one is around on a Sunday afternoon my thoughts don't center on career path, car, or vacation, thankfully they are person-oriented. Mostly it's calls I know I should make, elements of gratitude I should take, people I should touch. Instead of a mental experience of possibilities, trajectories, and dots that never connect. For some reason I think the dots should connect and I tend to hold life hostage until I can find a way to make it happen. Some times it is quite a tenacious stance (affording me moments of thought and contemplation that are so precious) and many times it's cowardice (just pick up the phone). If I just connected a dot here or there without the ultimate figured out, I would probably have a pretty amazing life...

Missional

2006-11-27T07:50:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was amazing in that four different sources and a sleepless night have reinvigorated community as a core I need to engage differently, more holistically. It started with Blue Like Jazz. Don Miller was talking about the single life and how he felt he was on the verge of going insane when he lived alone for too long. He had been living a life where he was the center, the main character of a movie, and anything that didn't fit neatly into that picture was suspect or obliterated. He was encouraged to live with other men by his pastor and talked about the process of moving from selfishness to community. It was not easy, perhaps a more formidable enemy than even drugs is the addiction of self. I found his words to be intuitive and describe much of my anxiety. My world is pretty small and I've surrendered much of it to frustration in not being married. So, life is beyond me and my emotion.

The second source was a book from an ultra-liberal Quaker named Parker Palmer. I don't know if he would see himself as ultra-liberal, but it seems to illustrate him somewhat accurately. In his book Let Your Life Speak: Listening for the Voice of Vocation, he had a similar revelation as Miller. He became convinced that his world was tiny, that he was living by "oughts" imposed by others in a vacuum, and wanted to know the work he was formed to do. I'm still early in the book, but his idea of community and vocation really clicked. His definition of vocation is great, "...something I can't not do, for reasons I'm unable to explain to anyone else and don't fully understand myself but that are nonetheless compelling." So, vocation and community become elements of the mystery God wants to include in my life.

The third source was the gnawing sense that in loosing myself I would gain what I'm looking for. All around me are reminders of how my world is based on me. I think it could be considerably worst, but still my thoughts are almost exclusively on me. So I couldn't get to sleep and at one toss, felt compelled to pick up a book by Roxburgh and Romanuk called The Missional Leader: Equipping Your Church to Reach a Changing World. And in the introduction, again God was teaching me:

God is about a big purpose in and for the whole of creation. The church has been called into life to be both the means of this mission and a foretaste of where God is inviting all creation to go. Just as its Lord is a mission-shaped God, so the community of God's people exists, not for themselves but for the sake of the work. Mission is therfore not a program or project some people in the church do from time to time... the church's very nature is to be God's missionary people...

... A missional church is a community of God's people who live into the imagination that they are, by their very nature, God's missionary people living as a demonstration of what God plans to do in and for all of creation in Jesus Christ.

This summer I had the privilege of attending a conference Alan Roxburgh led in Idaho and have been changed deeply. When you read the above missional understanding, you have to picture a determined, fit, Canadian spitting these words in intentional cadence and throwing in a few expletives because of his great passion. So, the church's work is fundamentally not self preservation, but dying to itself, to the work that mirrors God's passion for the world. Not much room for me to complain about music or format. And a compulsion to engage strongly.

The forth insight actually came earlier that morning, but I didn't catch it fully them. My pastor was talking about not being able to put church on or turn it off when he gets home at night. The phrase that caught me was, "This is who we are, not just what we do!" So, the realignment of the movie and the main character becomes essential.

None of this was particularly new. As I've gotten older, I find my propensity for selfishness to go up. I find the cycles between realizing that much of my frustration is my perspective and coming to joy to be elongated. With age comes experience in hopelessness that wasn't there before. I always wonder why I keep coming back here. When I'm at the joy side, I can't imagine going back and yet I have. Over and over again. I guess I use marriage as an indication of God's love for me and as the carrot (really mostly stick) that He holds above me to whip me into shape. It seems unattainable, a law of percentages, a game of winners and losers where no one is accountable. But, things shift if that one thing is not the source of identity (or idolatry). Things shift dramatically...

Happy after Thanksgiving

2006-11-24T08:15:00.000-05:00

The day after Thanksgiving offers promise. So the holidays are fully upon us, ready or not. I should be able to get a lot of work done today, but don't really feel like it. In some ways I feel spent in my career. I'm relatively young so that's not a good sign. But sometimes I am jazzed. Leading an organization toward something, anything, beyond where it currently is, takes so much energy. The momentum is away from you and it takes concerted perseverance to create minor currents that start to facilitate change. You orchestrate and hope to not manipulate. You have dead weight in some staff that torques you and have to develop emotional discipline. Blood can be smelled by your staff and so there tends to be accumulations of poor behavior that can crescendo. Ironically, you're the only one who feels it because you're the lightening rod that caused it. If you don't keep your list of offenses and frustrations short, you will blow. Your message will be curtailed to everyone to, "This organization is terrible, everywhere I look is brokenness..." In most cases you're not saying a word, but it's spoken loudly.

It's not all bad. Actually, it is very, very good. I think the problem is that the fruit is so esoteric and can take years to see. Perhaps good leadership requires counter-intuitive measures because it is in the negative issues and consequences that the extent of required change becomes visible. It is often the negative issues, the outcroppings of rock in the water, that hurt the most. These outcropping are often under the water and responsible for the odd current patterns you were trying to figure out. I suspect two things happen over time with this outcropping phenomena for a good leader. First, they start to pick up where the outcroppings are by being attentive to the currents and thereby mitigate some pain in change by making wiser choices. They also realize that as the current is renegotiated these outcroppings become much more vulnerable to erosion. It can be possible to outlive even the strongest and hardest detractor if the momentum shifts and their place remains the same.

Road race afterglow

2006-11-24T08:08:00.000-05:00

Dear Lord,

Thanks for the Road Race yesterday. Please be with the runners today and provide health after the rain and hypothermia. Please be with those who received nourishment through us. Please move mysteriously in their lives. Thank you for the ones who lingered to talk about their pain. Thank you for the ones who were too proud to take free stuff with little to no strings attached. May the intersection of your Holy Spirit's work and Case Mountain connect strongly in the peoples' lives that we crossed yesterday. Lord, we pray your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven. May disciples find themselves in Jesus.

In Jesus' name, amen.

Blah

2006-11-23T15:15:00.000-05:00

Though in a spiritual sense today was quite outstanding, personally it has sucked. The same day lived for the better part of 20 years. Do those who have what their hearts' desire feel this way? Doesn't matter, just thinking such a thought is sin. Can the clay call the potter evil? Not a positive course. Perhaps Hebrews is unpacking this phenomena when it's talking about "today" and "Sabbath rest?" For it is in this context that the power of God's word is described as piercing spirit and soul and discerning thoughts and intentions. It is active and sharp. There is no justification for our emotion; no place to stand detached from responsibility. No place to sit and get consolation because your pain just is. There's someone who is always more justified, you're always better off than many. You can never be good enough for God to move, and He always has a card to call if He chooses. Perhaps in this reality, when your chest tightens, you can't stand to see what's in the mirror, and you can taste the bile mixed with desperation, perhaps irrationally peace can be found. Grace in spite of repentance? Or do we always have to work for God's love? I'm so ticked about my circumstances that I seem quite comfortable forfeiting peace. I'm so angry that I view God as the door keeper to my happiness and He's really f-ing up the job. Oh, foolish man... while it is still called "today"...

Gay moral majority

2006-11-10T00:11:00.000-05:00

I love the man who preached the sermon at tonight's service. He is genuine, loving, and has lived what he proclaims. He's the real deal as far as I'm concerned. But he said something that illustrates our scitzofrenia. That we need to affirm that homosexuality is wrong in all of society and yet we are compelled to only judge Christians. We preach transformation, but are most comfortable with conformance. Why do we feel so frightened by homosexuality? Just asking the question assumes I'm asserting that I'm pro-gay, but I really am asking as objectively as possible if this is one of the big rallying issues that Jesus or Paul would have spent much energy on?

In 1 Corinthians 6:9-10 we are told that homosexuals will not inherit "the Kingdom." And this message is preached forcefully in hundreds or thousands of pulpits every week. But can't all of us who claim to love Jesus find acts that fit the formula of disinheritance in these verses (unrighteous - those living outside of the holiness of God, idolatry - those attributing to anything the worship and love that's supposed to go to God, thieves - those who take what is not theirs or what they haven't legitimately earned, greedy - those who lack contentment and allow consumption to drive them, etc.)?

I guess when gay marriage is put on ballets as an election strategy to get Christians to the polls, or those proclaiming to love life and having power in the Presidency, House, and Senate to initiate change find it advantageous to keep abortion laws as-is; when almost a million people are killed in genocide in a non-oil producing nation and we hear little of it or are essentially reactionless as a nation - I wonder what's happened to the Moral Majority that was just trying to help make America resemble societally the best of the Kingdom? I'm convinced more than ever that I fit much more the person of a Pharisee than the freedom of Christ. I hate this, but hope others will do a little navel-gazing as well. I'm not the only one...

1Cor. 6:9-10 ¶ Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.

Praise God that this passage is not the end of the story...

Mobile phone and Bono

2006-11-09T23:58:00.000-05:00

I can't find my mobile phone. I don't know which is more disturbing: not knowing where it is or not particularly caring that I don't know how long it has been missing?

This week in Newsweek there is an article called the "Evangelical Identity Crisis." I'm definitely in the throes of it. This little quote from a Willow Creek staff member about a conversation between Bill Hybels and Bono illustrates, "...Hybels and Bono hashing over the fate of the world. Bono quoted scripture (Luke Chapter 4); the crowd wept... 'I went in there wondering if Bono was a Christian, and I came out wondering if I was.'"

Sigh

2006-10-24T21:48:00.000-05:00

Is it fair to blame God for life being unfair? Scripturally, the answer is, "No."

I had just posted my blog entry a minute ago and got news seconds later that part of the thing that circumstantially looked promising, crashed to a grinding halt.

My Aunt Doris passed away this weekend. Her faith was so strong before she died. I don't think I'd seen it stronger in my 35 years. I saw a picture of her from this summer with a whimsical grin and motion. I thought I had invented it. Wild how our whole being can influence people in ways we don't imagine.

Expectations are such an interesting thing - we seem to be held highly accountability for the ones we posses and also for the ones we lack.

And in the segments and incongruities, there are moments of solitude, praise, and the deepest of adoration. It's not supposed to make sense...

It goes both ways

2006-10-24T21:35:00.000-05:00

Matt. 6:34 - Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

This evening I felt the Lord saying, "It goes both ways." I was having a good day and circumstantially there were things thats looked like they may be lining up the way I had hoped. Who knows, but today I was hopeful and I was expressing it praise. But then I had sorrow because my communication with the Lord isn't as consistent when I'm down. I was dwelling on this and that is when the Lord said, "It goes both ways."

Sure, I could dwell on the past and even lament that in the future there are likely to be many times when I fail at my love for Him. But if we take this command seriously, don't be anxious about tomorrow, how can we then be anxious about the past? In both cases, we focus on what's not there, not in worship of the King.

Truth and painting

2006-10-22T21:48:00.000-05:00

In one of my seminary classes we were shown a number of paintings of Jesus. They were paintings that Paul Tillich enjoyed. I don't recall why, but midway through, one of the students began a tirade on how Euro-centric the paintings were, how "white" Jesus was in them, and how inaccurate the whole mess of them were. I have to admit that my thoughts were along similar lines, "Why can't we see true presentations of the historical Jesus? Do we continue to do injustice to people of color by the insistence of our images that Jesus is white?" The professor calmly said, "We all experience Jesus as our own race and we all make distortions of what God is doing in our lives. These paintings are as truthful as anything we can experience." I could get my arms around that.

In another class the professor asked if we would prefer a photograph or painting to represent us. My first thought was a painting because it could offer insights into me that a photo never could. Then I got nervous - what if others see something so hideous that I don't in myself? Or perhaps they would represent me as less flawed, flattening some of the curves? He was using this analogy to interpreting scripture. In many respects we have other's paintings to point the way to the important things of God. In a sense part of our responsibility as lovers of God is to paint a picture within culture and context; within a cosmic relationship. And isn't there something more real about this than just a static document?

Truth in content trumps truth in form

2006-10-21T07:29:00.000-05:00

I wonder if God intended the Bible to be used to develop a meta-narrative? I find that I choose the story and have the Bible fit into it. Perhaps this is a form of idolatry or as Tillich would say, "demonic." I wonder if our task is more like Jesus' interaction with Peter, a life of "Who do you say I am?" To trust God that I don't have to have all of the answers until each is needed (Luke 21:14). And all the while to be able to articulate the journey and related hope within me as predicated on God's holiness/separateness/beyondness (1Pet. 3:15). Look, I just meta-narrative-ized again...

I was watching a segment of a television program featuring a famous Christian author as the moderator. He was interviewing a porn minister and a porn movie producer. The format was like CNN's CrossFire or other shows where they let two opposing views duke it out. It was obvious within 30 seconds that the format was a sham - this show had a message and it was going to manipulate the situation to get it across at any cost. From its perspective, it was going to use whatever means possible to minister to the lost who happened to tune in. Truth in content trumps truth in form: ends justify means: function disconnects from form.

Ironically, the porn producer was asking better questions and seemed more honest. Both the moderator and porn minister were obviously sincere and passionate, but kept having to come back to Christian cliches, where the porn producer was really grappling. At one point the minister said something along the lines of, "But Jesus tells us in the Bible that to lust is to sin. It is the same as adultery." And the producer was dumbfounded, "That's in the Bible? Really?!" Both the minister and moderator smile at his good hearted ignorance and in that moment stop listening. They have found the hook to speak their message, prove their point, affirm the truth as truth. But his grappling was not so much that he was "caught," it was, "How could God allow us to be so deficient?" He could care less what the Bible said. His question generally can't be asked in Christianity and it wasn't answered by the moderator or minister. They came back with the meta-narrative. Adam and Eve sinned, so now all are under sin. OK, but this guy wants to understand how his conception (one that most Christians would agree with) of God as all-powerful and loving could hold him responsible for a "design flaw." At least Paul had the guts to ask the same question rhetorically, but he refused to answer and instead blamed the imaginary questioner (the created shouldn't be asking questions of accountability to the Creator - it's inherently wrong - Rom. 9:20).

As all humans, the porn producer was probably a mixture of motives and he too had a message. But in one moment there was an exposed belly saying, "Please be honest with me. Treat me like a reasonable person who wants to live a good life. Don't give me the pat answers I heard in Sunday school. Push me toward truth, that's OK. Challenge my integrity where it's lacking, that's OK. But don't insult me with an answer when we both know there isn't a satisfying one."

I guess I'm concerned that much of Christianity sees the message as distinct from its delivery or form. We have bought into incongruities as faults. We clean and consolidate the message helping it fit better - it's deep within the Christian experience. I get catalogs from various Christian bookstores and outlets with thousands of nick-knacks, paintings, plaques, books, etc. that are so polished and pretty, they resemble little of the original substance because their form is so distorted. When did a manger become a lovely, well-ambient lighted paradise? When did psychology become gospel (literally)? When did Jesus become recognizable, stately, even cute/studley, in his crucifixion? When did good art become cottages with light unnaturally penetrating their environment? We act as if our message has essence and purity unto itself and don't hold ourselves accountable to the form. We use principles of consumerism to express the life of God and then wonder why it's viewed as just another alternative.

Daily Office origins encapsulated

2006-10-20T06:56:00.000-05:00

Recently I was reading about the origins of the Daily Office. It is based on the Romans introducing centralized time to the middle east. Each three hours starting at 6 a.m. would receive a chime from a central clock to make sure work was progressing effectively. Jews quickly incorporated the chimes as calls to prayer using passages in Psalms that talk about praising God seven times a day. Of course early Christianity saw itself as authentic Judaism and carried the practice on. As the New Testament became known within the church and ideas such as "praying with out ceasing" were introduced, this practice became even more important. As the church began to expand to multiple time zones and eventually around the world, there was a sense that one congregation's prayer would dove tail into another's creating a perpetual rhythm of prayer and praise. The prayer was refined over the years to a form of liturgy and became known as the Daily or Divine Office. The word "office" referring to work, not place. So the early church saw communion and the Daily Office as the two staples of Christian existence.

As I participate in the Daily Office again I can understand how the church perceived this to be its "work." While it risks legalism in the same way that free-form worship risks disorder, it creates a web of interactions with the Lord and integrations between the Lord and the tangible world I am in. This allows for the grounding of all of these relationships, harmonies, and incongruities together in time and space. Faith becomes a little more concrete for a few moments and those moments hopefully influence all that is around.

Curtains

2006-10-16T07:08:00.000-05:00

Over the last few months each morning I've thought about the rhythms we have. This summer I put in drapes and shears in the large living room window, something I have looked forward to for years, but as a renter never felt comfortable doing. I look back at how my grandmother would open the drapes each morning in a single lightening-fast movement, "Let's not wait to start the day!"

As darkness was coming there was a negotiation of when to actual resign that the day had ended. Twilight? Just after? Complete darkness or at least when the street lights came on? As the decision was made, the curtains were drawn in quickly again. "Don't linger in what isn't!"

And so, my grandmother was a master at disciplining her day and the curtains in many respects provided tangible bookends. There was time for cleaning, cooking, working, eating, family moments, reading or crafts, more cleaning, and bed. The copper got polished, the dusting got done, sickness interrupted and receded, and each day the curtains revealed and then concealed. Each day life lived.

Good morning

Christianity changing

2006-10-13T06:29:00.000-05:00

I'm between two congregations. In one I get to help form the culture and participate in leadership, and the other I am mostly an engaged congregant who serves in a few ministries. I'm struggling with the mother church. The preaching seems more angry and reactionary. I leave room that it hasn't changed, that I have, but the reality is probably that we both have over the eight years I've been there. There is a sense that the topics are eternal and found throughout the "biblical church" since its infancy, but much of it is pop psychology that has been wrapped in Christian language and fitted between biblical lines. We use language such as "application-based" and "practical preaching" to shape this type of approach. It is based on Baby Boomer/New Age life assumptions and openly talked about in the seeker churches. These topics have become common sense within conservative culture and so there is comfort in them. Jesus is preached, but there are as much seeker ideas and rantings against liberalism, philosophy, and academia. I'm not reacting against it because I believe Gad has/is using it, but I guess I'm reacting against its claim of historical authenticity.

Yesterday, I heard a famous Baptist radio preacher use concepts from the Word of Faith movement. He didn't hear the whisper that the strength of your faith is a defining characteristic of what and how much you have. It made me smile because he would be appalled if he knew. Many of the conservative Bible scholars who are thought to find the Bible to be "innerrant" actually claim that the original, lost manuscripts were inerrant, but not necessarily the cannon we have today. In the last 10 years the language from Christianity on homosexuality has shifted from the debate on nature Vs. nurture to often agreement that homosexuals don't want to be attracted to the same sex and there are factors from birth that can impact this. Even in the most conservative churches divorce is rarely raised except in therapeutic terms because most of the leadership has experienced it. Grassroots Christians wanting to impact the U.S. for Jesus have become an established political movement that's first priority has subtlely shifted from justice issues to self-preservation.

Though it seems to be heresy, Christianity evolves. The first century church experienced God differently than we do. We like the idea that Jesus birthed the church in its full understanding to the disciples and it has been simply growing ever since. But I can't buy into the model so simplistically any more. I guess my concern is that I don't hear people interested in how the Spirit might work through this process, instead they seem to be more steadfast in putting their head in the sand and screaming, "This is as it has always been!"

Shield

2006-10-12T07:03:00.000-05:00

This morning's daily office invokes Christ as our shield. I had a variety of random thoughts on this: a picture of him in a protective stance over my body, a filter or lens to perceive life, whispering important, comforting things which no one else could hear, permanence in a posture that can't be kept forever without missing the rest of life. I rejected the idea of a force field - that lacked life and intimacy. I could picture a weathered bronze sculpture of a man with a disproportionately large torso covering his friend, as to protect him from scrapnel or sniper.

Thank you, Lord for glimpses and pauses.

Roots and evil

2006-10-10T22:10:00.000-05:00

What a startling statement, "The love of money is the root of all evil." How definitive. Want to know the start, impetus, origin of evil? It's the love of money. And we stop there. Maybe we correct people who go around saying, "Money is the root of all evil." Then we stop there.

Think about it. Rape, poverty, gluttony, murder, idolatry, manipulation, deceit, and the root of all evil is money. Fascinating.

In Perelandra, C.S. Lewis had me do a double take with this phrase. A re-look that swung my head around as I was strolling in full stride. What a beautiful thinker! He wonders if it's because money has the temptation and allure of keeping us from the tirade of chance, or allows us to think we can redo elements of life that really can't be lived again. I wondered if this love adds to our distances in life. Money as a concept, a lover, allows us to disconnect from land, animal, and a direct relationship of our hand/activity to the fruits of life. It introduces systems and complexity that defy nature.

But, still isn't it an odd statement if looked at from fresh eyes? I think I would have preferred if it was greed, theft, or selfishness that was the root. Love of money makes me have to think...

Chime clock

2006-10-09T07:11:00.000-05:00

A few days ago the weights on my chime clock came to their last, lowest position possible and it stopped. The chains on it are designed to keep time for seven days and they had done due diligence. But as the momentum of those chain pulls was coming to an end, the clock needed adjustment. When the weather changes it may need to be sped up or slowed down a bit. The pendulum weight is brought closer to the body for speed or out into the world for leisure. Humidity, temperature, or sometimes I think the mystery of seasons changing impacts it. It's an interesting process and in a small way helps keep me connected to time. That time needs to be cared for and looked at as a subject unto itself is often missed. The chime clock "chimes" on the half hour. In the middle of a movie, the emotion is always annoyance. But then, the context of the movie is changed. It is within time and I'm responsible for that time. That's a blessing.

This clock was purchased in the home town my mom was born in. It is the same model that she experienced growing up. When she came to the U.S. so did the clock. I knew it until I was seven or eight when it was stolen along with everything else of any value one winter. Sometimes I wonder how she found connections with time. Growing up she joked that she would never make it to age 40. She didn't, dying at 39. May we all take those things that make time important just a little more seriously "today."

A little encounter

2006-10-08T15:54:00.000-05:00

On the beach this weekend, the cross was the subject of graffiti. On a beautiful stone thrust from the ocean was an ornate cross painted in silver sparkling spray paint. This was one of the last boulders pushed here from a huge glacier covering most of the U.S. at one point. I was in a prayerful place and the words came through loud and clear, "Perhaps the problem is that we decorate our crosses." I laughed, because I rarely use definitives like "the problem." So there was truth in the statement and an subtle indictment that I look for the quick understandings...

What happens when the crosses we bear become jewel-filled and made of precious metals? What happens when they are simply functional, torture devices. Designed to splinter, discourage comfort and breath, and capable of no message other than a cursed death?

I was moved by this painting of Orozco. Perhaps Jesus is ticked at what we've done to the cross...

Grappling

2006-10-08T14:32:00.000-05:00

I sometimes wonder which is more real the Kingdom or the immediate. I know, I know we are post-modern so let's say "and" instead of "or." But I think most approach it this way. Do we look at life from a perspective of progress or decay? Ironically, my tradition sees both, selectively. It says that Jesus is coming again in triumph and celebrates the decay of society to justify its eschatology. It says that the Kingdom is advancing and cites statistics of why the world is going to hell in a handbasket. It wouldn't be so bad if it would honestly say that it's speculating. No, the Israelis entering Lebanon is the start of Armageddon; for sure. Wait, the original Gulf War was the prophetic event including Apache helicopters that were prophesied in Revelation.

I sat in a Roman Catholic church yesterday while protestants fumed at the inaccurate theology being homolized. I admit that it struck me as sad that the sum of existence, the sum of God, was being a nice person to the priest. "Reflect and keep going" was his mantra, with nothing to reflect on except the symbols found in infant baptism. He spoke of faith, but there wasn't anything to have faith in except the government of the church. Jesus was a good luck emblem that was mysteriously consumed each week to fight off infection. But then we believe alter calls are found in the Bible and can't really figure out what to do with humanity prior to Jesus. We say the world is without excuse when each individual in judged yet feel guilt for not spreading the word quickly enough to keep people from hell. These are among the most important issues we can imagine and yet we don't grapple with their unknown qualities or incongruities or celebrate their mystery.

I am at dis-ease with my faith. It's not lost and it's not hurt. I'm just seeing inconsistencies and wondering how important they are. Perhaps the core of my faith is as strong, if not stronger than it ever has been, but a number of beliefs I count as faith have been held out with some speculation. My pastor made the claim today that his sermon was the word of God and that any discomfort with it meant we were being influenced by the Devil. This sounds cartoonish and disrespectful, but it's meant to be neither. What he said was biblical. It was practical and if followed would yield good fruit. Yet, I am confident that if he were giving the message to first century Christians, pieces of it would be unsettling. There would be elements that were so establish, it wouldn't be worth saying. There would be assumptions and cultural realities that wouldn't translate. There would be faith assumptions that came about through reading the Bible individually rather than collectively that wouldn't make sense. American dream-ism and consumerism as realities would pop-up as huge red flags. And yet, we are certain.

Below is an excerpt from an unbelieving man. He uses the Bible to try to make sense of history from a non-specific perspective. He is jaded and doesn't believe that it offers any hope other than the cycles of history being predictable. He doesn't believe in redemption, but I found myself meditating on his kingdom thoughts and wondering how honest we are in our relation to the Kingdom; in our understanding and participating in it:

I can smell the rotten blood seeping out of the wet ground. It is everywhere because of all the conquests. And it is here, also. We live in a world where eventually all the temples go to the torch, all the people go to spend time in Babylon, and the kingdom is never restored. This last is the rub. We keep licking this sore in our mouths and telling ourselves the kingdom will be restored. I part from Isaiah on this matter. I think we are already in the kingdom, ready or not. (Isaiah by Charles Bowden in Killing the Buddha...)

And the Kingdom is always the rub. How it is defined, who defines it, if it is there and simply needs to be found or is unfolding like a sheet in parallel to history. We were born into our story and ultimately are responsible for much of how it turns out. We have to grapple with realities bigger than the collective church can handle and ancient ways of God that really do make sense of the world. Instead of grappling we are told to memorize the script. We are told it never changes. Is this how St. Paul saw the faith - a series of orthodox belief statements to be held up and distanced from the world? In making disciples of all nations is Jesus saying we are supposed to tell the script as the truth rather than simply compelling the people to him so he can say whatever it is he wants? Do I trust that God has the world under his care sufficiently or do I need to programmize the believing process, package it, have it consumed, and feel good that that is enough?

The Bible came about ~300 years after Jesus. The Word became print in the 1400's and became ingrained as the primary means of knowing God and fighting heresy after the 1500's. In the 1500's Tyndale published a Bible for the people to free them. He was condemned, strangled, and burned because his Bible was considered too anti-clerical. In the 1600's politics interacted with scripture and the King James Version was born. The church has always had to grapple and sadly I fear that this reality, this beautiful gift, has become heresy to my tradition. Perhaps we are all a bit more like the pharisees than we would like to admit.

Blessings

2006-10-04T01:43:00.000-05:00

It is early on Wednesday. There's a long day ahead and there is still illness from behind. I should sleep, but my mind is in one of those states where it is racing. There is no harmony between body and mind right now. It's OK.

Dear Lord,

May those in my life, on the periphery of my life, who should be in my life be blessed. I pit grace against sin and I see darkness where there is an unfinished work. But beyond my hang-ups and lack, please bless. Please bless the singles that feel so lost and the marrieds that feel so lonely. The children that they be granted grace to resist complacency and pessimism. For the infants that they live strongly and courageously. To the elderly who are dimming. May they sense your embrace from behind and realize the closeness that youth can never predict in You. May they smell you deeply as they bury their tired heads in your forearms and let tears and joy become part of You. I pray for two new born churches and their pastors. Peace, wisdom, good humor, and marriage that is more satisfying than fine crafted wine that was thought to be lost. Bring in the people. Virtue and creativity abound. For those who have just lost their siblings and those who just lost their virginity. Strength.

Lord, I ask for today to be important. It has the potential for some uniqueness, but by and large it may be one that is tempted to be immemorial. I pray that my actions and heart be congruent with Your being today.

May I sleep soon.

There is much to thank You for. I leave that to the realm of silence for now. Not in laziness or slumber, but in testimony that Your acts of wonder can't be contained in all the media of the world.

I love You and submit this prayer in Jesus' set-apart, unique character and being... Amen.

Tinniness painted blues, grays, and pinks

2006-10-04T00:38:00.000-05:00

There is a tinniness to sin. It distorts and numbs our lives and those around us. A smile without motive is impossible in our implicit acts of distance or our defiance to love. "...to hurt is to steal..., get on your knees boy."

Picture a woman in tears, her back is bare to you and you can see the surrender of her spine. Each disc testifies to the shallowness of her torso. Her form is lacking clarity. It's not tender and if you were honest it makes you mad. Why so vulnerable? Why so present and beautiful even in anguish? Rage as your actions become lives of their own coming back as glaring slivers of indictment. Her being is in question and you are to blame.

Our sin shapes us. It contorts those we love and those we never gave a damn about, but should have loved. We pretend and pass out shades of blue and hues of light pinks and grays. Just paint my accuser's eyes twilight blue and I can pretend; I can live an unredeemed life. I will paint and paint and paint until my hand finds no strength left. At some point there most be permanence in the color. My accuser outlasts my hand and his glare seeps through my pastel attempts. He doesn't even have to use lies, he just takes my energy and reveals my bareness. The deceiver has more truth than me.

We comfort ourselves with repentance as a spatial act of sufficiency. I did it again - forgive and forget. It's hard work living a life of repentance and let's be honest we all reach pretty shallow to touch the sluggard within. I can't be held responsible for the curve of her spine or the ravines of sadness under his eyes. Erosion makes washes in the desert, not me. Existentially, we are made of our decisions, the response just before the reaction. That moment that separates us from animals and offers new imagination and breath. She can straighten and clothe. Yes and hear the words that follow slowly, deliberately, and distinctly graceless - God will not be mocked.

Salvation and triangulation

2006-10-01T22:52:00.000-05:00

A young man recently was remarking how amazing a women he had found was. She was perfect in every way except that she believed "once saved, always saved." I offered reasons why this approach to salvation was solid, he didn't bite. In his mind this was essentially heresy. Today I read in Hebrews a passage that sounds like a person could lose their salvation. But I had no passion to refute it. It is. I will come across many that talk about God's unending faithfulness, mercy, and grace. I will come across many that make the relationship conditional, contractual. David could fail in almost all respects of his faith and humanity and walk away clean; Saul could try to bolster morale for his troops and honor God in presumption and be banished from his Father's love for the rest of his life (and after?). I submit to the unknowing and am coming to appreciate it. I used to approach the Bible from a "triangulation" perspective - find multiple verses among multiple books (a range in OT and NT preferable) that speak what I want and then feel good about my theology. Now, I realize that there are pieces that will probably never align in my mind and it's OK. Perhaps the fragmentation is partial testimony to God's holiness and his being "other than" us? Who am I?

A tickle in the throat

2006-09-30T21:58:00.000-05:00

A few minutes ago I was looking in the mirror trimming whiskers. They've accumulated over the last three or four days. I've been sick. Ill. Ironic in a way. I felt it coming on after dinner with friends, "Did yours start with a slight tickle in your throat?" "Yes." Then off we were. It was predictable, no fanfare, no regret. I gave myself permission to be sick. That's ridiculous. I made illness the priority the last few days. In many respects I saw it as health, but I concentrated mightily on how sick I was. It was all and all a decent time. I got to catch up on some reading, but I also saw from a slightly different perspective. One where my body had caught up to my mind in its fatigue. It was in harmony. My first response was not prayer, it was vitamin C. I was in prayer as normal, but didn't think to include my health in the conversation. At some point fairly early on it came up, but in retrospect it was a little startling that it wasn't a priority earlier. Perhaps I missed healing or I prolonged dis-ease or it was all OK. How funny that even illness has expectations. I'm feeling better now.

In one book there were a few ideas that intrigued me in my dis-ease. What if God's sense of justice is not that everyone gets what they deserve, but that every part of creation should live the nature they were given? That it is right for some young men to die of heart disease and lions to kill zebras. It doesn't fully work, but it adds some interesting thoughts to justice. Another idea is how language is a result of the fall or our continual falling. Sin. That language is a means to shorten the distances we have with God and each other. A few months ago I read how all of technology is to further language. Putting these two ideas on language together is interesting. Another short story I read today was lamenting on how the author had sometimes mistook obliteration for love. I can see how that happens. Perhaps in a way it's part of love, in our fellenness...

See you on the other side

2006-07-15T07:03:00.000-05:00

Closed on the house yesterday. Two hours of paperwork, two lawyers, a real estate agent, a mortgage officer, and three buyers, wow that was an interesting experience.

Praise the Lord - I wish I could articulate that stronger and less like a cliche, but the words really do have a depth.

I don't know when I'll have Internet access back, but until then, blessings!

Tension and harmony

2006-07-10T06:33:00.000-05:00

I'm finding that I try to make sense of scripture. I want to harmonize it. Jesus didn't come to bring peace, and yet he did. Jesus fulfills the law and yet doesn't abolish it. Jesus holds us accountable to feed, clothe, visit, and yet the needs are beyond us, so we do little of it. God establishes the Sabbath to separate the lives of his people from others and yet Jesus says that the Sabbath is really for the people. Jesus requires perfection and yet Paul speaks of the struggle of the flesh. Jesus speaks of forgiveness and turning the other cheek and yet is silent on social justice beyond one-on-one interactions.

So I say that "the principle" is to live a righteous life, but don't get too legalistic, or live a balanced life of no extremes, or give money to relief organizations but don't get hung up on not getting to visit someone in prison, or that successful Christianity is a matter of people's souls rather than their whole beings. Not that this is completely bad, but I wonder if verses like Psalm 51:18, "The sacrifice of God is a troubled spirit..." are teaching us that staying in the tension is part of the believing life. I want to know the prescribed path for success and God offers dots that cannot naturally be connected. In which life will one honestly live?

Meditative life

2006-07-07T06:57:00.000-05:00

I hope everyone leads a meditative life. Journal, talk, paint, sculpt, be silent on purpose, pray beyond your abilities and constructs. It just seems better to dwell on the important and to do the hard work of determining the important than to lead a reactive life.

Came across an interesting thought yesterday - the Bible is a/the lens to see God, but the problem is a lot people worship the lens rather than God. I must admit that the metaphor of lens seems more honest than "blue print," "owner's manual," "word of God, closed and self-contained, beyond culture," etc.

Behavior

2006-07-07T06:07:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking about behavior lately. At one extreme it seems as though everything is about it. We read the Bible to determine the proper way to behave. We look to it to provide steps of action and to provide expectations we can impose on ourselves and others. Impose, that word takes us to many destinations. It has an inherent lack of justice, a sense of manipulation. Perhaps a better, less baggage laden word could be used, but in one sense it seems like the appropriate word.

But have we become too focused on behavior? At work I know that my way of doing things is very different from my boss's. In my relaxed demeanor I telegraph to him laziness, lack of focus, too slow, etc. He recognizes this and says words like "our personalities are different," but in reality he wants me to change. He cannot look beyond the means in action to the results. But isn't this a limitation we all have? Don't we all have the tendency to want to reproduce ourselves in our friends, spouses, children, etc.? I see great tension in married couples where there is a huge disconnect because all each person can dwell on is how different the other approaches life. I'm not talking about substantive issues, but things like talking too much or talking too little. This difference is not treasure it grates us and we often use whatever means it takes to try to change the other person.

I've been meditating on if the biblical message is really about behavior modification. We can flippantly say, "NO!," but this fast response is not honest. You can't move too far from behavior before you realize there is no being without action. It's an Existential thing. We become what we do; we become what we think; where our intentions and beliefs become tangible is significantly who we are. And yet, is Christ's message really, "I just want to keep the world from having inappropriate sex, being socially and fiscally conservative, and not killing each other."? But, you have forgotten about the question of eternal existence. Really, how much of our communication reflects this over behavior? Don't we gravitate to removing the whore's whoriness or the homosexual's same-sexness over conditions of the heart? Isn't our message of salvation as much about getting people to behave as we see best as it is being part of God's work in their life? Isn't it funny how we want to elevate one element to the descension of another? Perhaps behavior, heart, thought, etc. are just always supposed to be in tension and that's OK.

I find myself wanting to make Jesus the bestower of newer, more difficult laws and at the same time the unshackler of all law. And then I think he came to show a way outside of law, but I'm not sure that works either.

We gravitate to behavior because it is so visible. We distrust emotion partly much because of its hiddenness. At my church we go so far as to segment the "spirit" from the "soul" because there is so much discomfort with part of who we are being out of control. We set up a hierarchy of spiritual legitimacy for our being:
1. Spirit - place God talks to us; creme de la creme
2. Soul - keeper of emotion; has no inherent policing capabilities; to be feared because it can lead the Body astray
3. Mind - keeper of reason; there to keep soul in-check; police, but can be corrupted; to be almost as feared as Soul because can lead the Body astray
4. Body - temporary location; no importance; gets us in trouble; causes pain; "real" sin agent; to be avoided

I can't put my finger fully on it, but we have gotten something off kilter a bit when it comes to behavior.

Dear Oma

2006-07-03T17:42:00.000-05:00

I fax my grandmother to communicate with her. She is in a convalescent home across the country and unable to get to a phone. Her spirit and mind are well, but her body is in rapid decline. Like other writings, I've been remiss... I will fax her tonight.

Dear Oma,

Happy Fourth of July! It's probably hotter than a firecracker in good old Arizona. I'm sorry it has take so long to fax. I wish I had good excuses, but I feel bad that it has taken so long. How are you doing? I called Jeniece and the kids last night, but they are probably gone for the holiday weekend. I'm not sure I've talked to them for more than a minute or two since your birthday. A lot has happened since my last fax.

A couple of weeks ago my friend Eric and I went to Idaho. There was a church leadership conference on Christianity and postmodernity there which was fantastic. I don't know if I told you, but Eric, his wife Katie, and I will be starting a church in the town I work in. We are praying about how God will want to use it and putting together a plan. If you could pray for that, I would appreciate it. This conference in Idaho helped fuel a lot of neat ideas. We got to stay with my Uncle Morris and Aunt Ruth. They were so wonderful and hospitable! I don't know if you remember my Uncle Dale and Aunt Doris. Mom had a special connection with them and when she went there, that was where her and dad stayed. It was nice hearing stories of her before I was born - they loved her dearly. It is amazing how far a life can reach, and I find blessing in thinking about that when it comes to mom's life. This was a special trip for me because Aunt Doris is dying of cancer. I had been reluctant to go visit because I just wasn't sure I could handle it. To make a long story short, though she was in tremendous pain, she had the best attitude and demeanor. She was truly joyful. I thought somehow I could comfort her, but in reality she was ministering to me. She was recounting how Jesus had been so good to her, even in these last days. The trip ended on a sweet note, where her daughters took us to the northern part of Idaho to see many of places I used to go as a kid.

It really has been too long since I've written... Besides Idaho, I've also been working on getting a house. My friends Eric and Katie, and I are in the process of buying a side-by-side duplex. It's two stories with each side having separate a living room, kitchen, dining room, bathroom, bedrooms (2 each), utilities, and basement. It's a beautiful place built in the 1950's. It has hardwood floors in all the rooms except kitchen and bathroom and there is beautiful wood trim and windows everywhere. It's about 4 miles from work (right now I drive about 50 miles a day). Tomorrow we go around looking for appliances (the ones in it were in terrible shape and the owners hauled most of them away).

Kelley went to Paris this summer. She had a great time and got out of her shell a bit. She's a neat young woman. Well things didn't materialize with Sarah on the love-life front, but that's probably for the best since there's so much going on right now. Oh the bachelor life!

Well, I better get going. I love you and pray for you often! Blessings, Oma!

Love,

Long time, but still thinking of you

2006-07-03T17:29:00.000-05:00

It has been quite some time since the last posting here. Since then we have gotten closer to closing on the duplex. But we found out today that its having fuses and a small amp electrical service means in most cases we can't get homeowner's insurance. This means having the panel and electrical entrance replaced/upgraded ($3k-ish). Not the neatest thing just before closing. I also went with Eric to Idaho. Amazing trip that I hope blog through more soon.

But I've been thinking about you. In some cases there are regulars who check out this blog. To you I feel a bit guilty in not writing with more deliberation. In other cases people stop by through providence or chance. Sometimes I feel odd laying so much open to such unknown and sometimes it feels rejuvenating. Sometimes I envision the writing as fractured portions of dialog with God and in some cases I'm convicted that it competes for God's sacredness in my life. Generally, I enjoy it and hope that it is transformation in good, kind ways.

Whoever you are, may you find blessing and peace. Joy and comfort. May Jesus bless you in ways that are true to him and that stretch your comprehensions. May you find what is already there.

Day in a life

2006-06-14T21:48:00.000-05:00

What's happening:

Our bid on the house was accepted yesterday
Last night Eric and I worked wee into the early morning on Case Mountain's creed - it's really starting to take shape now
We had the house inspection today - it really does seem to be an exceptional property
Tomorrow I will probably start the mortgage process
At work I had two budgetary projections due that I got done, but in each case they were over earlier projects by hundreds of thousands of dollars - ouch!
I do a review of all construction docs for the new high school on campus for technology issues, it needs to be done this week
Saturday Eric and I are Idaho-bound!

Things a-movin' with the house

2006-06-13T06:40:00.000-05:00

We got a verbal acceptance on our offer. Below are pictures of the outside of the house:

Deficits, a life lived in the past, and the future with indictments

2006-06-10T22:24:00.000-05:00

Do you ever wonder if you have such deficits, character flaws, or mental issues that to move forward in life is not literally possible? Sometimes I must admit that these are thoughts I have. This week I've been met with big things that should bring happiness. Eric and I zoom to Idaho to participate in a Christianity in postmodernity conference. I will be seeing family that I haven't seen in over 10 years who are just wonderful. They love freely and have many testimonies of God's goodness when things weren't always so good. I should be ecstatic, but the primary emotions are actually a bit petty. I will get a lot of looks for how much weight I've put on since they have seen me last. They will be kind, but there's no way to avoid them having to recalibrate their mental image of me. It's kind of suffocating to think about. It seems to represent in a tangible way many of the areas of my life that I am most ashamed of.

Then today Eric, Katie, and I were looking for duplexes as part of the church planting adventure. This will be the first property I have ever owned and again instead of happiness there is mostly anxiety. A lot of it's normal - who doesn't think twice about buying a house. Then there are the nuances of purchasing with friends. We spend a lot of time talking through the issues, but it is natural for some anxiety. Then again, I think back to conversations about renting for so long and not having anything to show for it. And recently someone looked very suspicious of me regarding the duplex arrangement. The gesture was, "What sort of deficiency does a person who makes decent money have to be a renter and then going in on a duplex instead of buying their own house?" I guess in many ways I feel I've failed my own and others' expectations.

I find that much of my life is lived in the past. When looking at the future it feels too big or to be too much of an indictment to move forward. It wouldn't be accurate to leave this entry on a simple down note because indeed I have hope. I just can't seem to get it to translate into the future.

The apostles plus 2,000 years

2006-06-10T17:14:00.000-05:00

It is generally recognized that the early church believed Jesus' second coming was tangibly close. Jesus in the Gospels has a message of immediacy to reinterpret the Kingdom of God and has a mission that takes place in the span of his life. Everything is now.

If the apostles knew earthly existence would extend 2,000 years beyond their lives, would their scriptures have been any different? Would the value of land and living a peaceable life have had more pragmatics? Would we have a better idea of when to kill for justice or find that notion counter to the Gospel? Would we have more/better principles to guide us through corporate law, issues of societal harm such as ecological war zones that kill or disease generations of people? Would capitalism, socialism, communism, or theocracy have been spelled out as divinely inspired? Would economic realities that take into account leveraging capital, stocks, etc. have been expounded? Would we have had clarity in how all of the world's religions were supposed to fit, or would we find that indeed much of the world is destined for hell and that's just the way it is? Would we have found more attention to ritual and how to handle life when the ritualistic expectations are unfulfilled?

Sometimes I find it hard to find meaning in this land between times. Sometimes I find it hard to live a sustained, truthful life in the Gospel and want to find a reason why.

Broken V. bent

2006-06-10T10:24:00.001-05:00

Eugene Peterson spoke in a Mars Hill Audio interview about wanting to get rid of mechanistic language for God and humans. I think he is right. Words such as "broken" and "dysfunctional" don't really honor or provide justice to a person. They bring me to a place of manipulating in order to get a desired result. This is far from how I've experienced God interacting with me. In Out of the Silent Planet C.S. Lewis uses the word "bent" to describe men who are influenced by evil. That appeals to me.

Just rambling now...

Value of simplicity

2006-06-10T09:43:00.000-05:00

A couple of friends and I are starting a church. I've been reluctant to take hold of it publicly. There are a variety of reasons that I will probably explore in another posting, but suffice to say I feel a freedom to express it openly now. So here's the first outright posting regarding Case Mountain Community Church.

We're working on a number of foundational documents: mission, values, philosophy, vision/goals, and even a creed. Things are clipping along at a nice pace. Recently, our attention has been on the values. We are thinking of adding simplicity. Below is a bit of my trying to tease out what this might mean:

Simplicity - some definitions and synonyms:

"the quality of being simple or uncompounded" - Visual Thesaurus
"a lack of penetration or subtlety" - Visual Thesaurus
"absence of affectation ("deliberate pretense or exaggerated display") or pretense" - Visual Thesaurus
"freedom from difficulty or hardship or effort" - Visual Thesaurus
"lack of ornamentation" - Visual Thesaurus
the quality of intentionally reducing complexity - me
sacrificing the peripheral to focus on the important - me
forfeiting complexity to the gain of only that which is significant - me
peeling of layers to get to the real - me

Some thoughts or scenarios:

nakedness or honesty in our relationships with God and others
developing the art of using the fewest number of words or objects to express, but finding that these simple expressions are pleasing and beautiful
seeing simplicity as art; to hone the skill of taking complex, disparate, multi-discipline concepts and weave understanding that is lovely
appreciating that the vast majority of things should be expressed in avenues that everyday people can understanding
using big words when appropriate, but never to distance or violate the person of another
Kingdom principle of entering as a child - allowing all things to start new and fresh, to peel away those attitudes, possessions, and relationships that hinder rather than grow
Not a lot of chrome
aesthetic lines that compliment, but rarely take from functionality
Architecture that servers
Saying what you mean without pleasantries or self-protection
Realness that honors what is most important and sacrifices self-interest or being misunderstood to love
an uncompounded thread that weaves through life, God, and meaning
a tangibility that does not compromise other elements that seem mutually exclusive such as faith and mystery

CMCC - values

Nice evening

2006-06-05T06:12:00.000-05:00

As I've gotten older, I find to mutually exclusive things at work: I enjoy more time alone and I really don't like the single life. Last night I eased into the start of the week getting a number of minor chores done, having lunch ready for this morning, and being able to end the day with a nice read from Out of the Silent Planet. I even had a couple of morsels of bittersweet chocolate which was a taste of heaven. Last night I enjoyed singleness.

Betty the redeamed pin-up queen and John the governor contender in one night

2006-06-03T23:52:00.000-05:00

Betty, John, and Jason brought together through the Ruba'iyat...

The Ruba'iyat and Existentialism

2006-06-03T23:08:00.000-05:00

I think this stanza from The Ruba'iyat captures much of Existentialism's notion of "absurdity":

If only there were occasion for repose,
If only this long road had an end,
And in the track of a hundred thousand years, out of the heart of dust
Hope sprang again, like greenness.

I envision the last line throwing the others into confusion.

Master's - walk through big spiritual events

2006-06-03T22:19:00.000-05:00

So, I need to have a theme/plan for my Master's special project. It's a little weird not having one by now, but I guess you have to live where you are. I may put together a few entries as I go along that help to muse this out. Today, I purchased The Ruba'iyat of Omar Khyyam and Marxism and Christianity by MacIntyre. The Ruba'iyat was a book that brought back my first exposure Wittgensteinian language philosophy and Kierkegaard Existentialism. McIntyre is one of the philosophers that is particularly helpful for those in the Emergent Conversation. So this got me thinking about the events in my life that have shaped me spiritually. Everything in my life could fit on the list, but below are things that stand out. I guess the thinking is that this might help tease out something to spend the special project on:

Early life in Fundamentalist Christianity - strong Bible as Word emphasis
Mom's spiritual quest
Life changing, salvation experience
Full engagement in Evangelical Christianity
High school - tug to be pastor and in business; saw as mutually exclusive and unreconcilable
InterVarsity - exposure to charismatic movement, exorcism ministry, healing of memories, confrontation on theology of women in ministry, exposure to intense mission expressions, exposure to spiritual warfare, exposure to worship (not just in song), etc.
College - exposure to Philosophy as a tool to express God in fresh language and conceptualize him differently; good liberal arts education and some undercutting of Fundamentalism; new humility for faith and stronger love for Jesus
Bank internships - found giftings that worked well in business, but unfulfilled
Church internship - found similar giftings that were good in business were good at church; exposed to dark side of Pentecostalism and authoritarian leadership; engagement disintegrated; stripped deeply
Church plant - learned a lot about servanthood, but had bad attitude; never lived potential, but church grew; was obsessed with isolation and loneliness and never quite pulled out of nose dive; found I was not as attracted to associate pastorate as I originally thought
Chief technology officer - out of the church plant season developed the roots to my technology career; found that I loved organizational culture and being able to find solutions and help shape culture through technology; given taste of leadership as well as engineering, but was not able to gain traction
Chief information officer - moved to CT; job started highly engineering and crumbled to pieces because of leadership deficiencies as well as unhealthy staff; have begun rebuilding and a refocus on leadership and people has emerged; all probably part of God's plan, but one hell of a ride; sometimes feels like tail spin and cresting at the same time
Master's - exposure to liberal theologies and interfaith dialog through Hartford Seminary; chipping at some fundamental elements of faith, but strengthening in others that are more core; challenged in belief, but also given much to provide new and better perspectives; explored Paul Tillich and universal revelation; influenced by Tony Campolo; continued themes of Wittenstien and Existentialism; exposed to Emergent Conversation which gave a little more form to voice that has been evolving since high school and looking for truthful expression
Church planting, part two - not sure what this means; may culminate some of the Emergent stuff; the mother church is classic charismatic and may feel threatened with theological concerns/differences; ability to re-due screw ups from NLC?; exciting communal feel that includes buying a duplex with friends serious of integrating faith and all of life

Prophetic shadows

2006-05-30T17:34:00.000-05:00

This is the third iteration of this post and while I'm tired and a bit frustrated to get to this point, I'm also thankful that the Lord pushes us through the tedious to get to something better.

Some things of late that are burning in me:

God is bigger than me and while I say these words, they reflect realities I can not imagine
Revelation is universal. Jesus is universal. Yet I am Existentially responsible for the human I become and how I will respond to God's love
Humanity has an affinity to law. Religion attempts to bridge proper living (AKA law) with interactions with God that are beyond religious description. Religion is not evil and spirituality good. Rather both are more a means of history, reflecting important elements that others have found helpful. Religion/spirituality is our snapshot of God's intervention. It has value, but the further we get from the source, the more distortive it can become
We can find points of history that tell us what we want to hear about God and we can reject tradition to the exclusion of God. History and tradition are not monolithic - they are tinkered, reconceived, used for glorious and evil ends. They must be handled with care and respect, not to the point of cynicism and not to the point of unadulterated acceptance
The Bible is an amazing description and sacred illumination to the redemptive history that started prior to it and continues beyond it
In Jesus those elements of faith that were revelatory of God through ancient understandings continue their life. Through Jesus all contemporary faith statements become scrutinized and have their life
Our propensity for law distances us from God while God offers a life in the Spirit where we must take responsibility for our choices through our conscience
We need religious expression because to get beyond religion in most cases is to become self-consumed. To worship often requires a context provided beautifully by religion. God interacts and we respond. Unfortunately, he is often responding freshly while we are dogmatizing the latter experience
We must recognize that religion has a built-in motivation for self-preservation that often supersedes truthfulness when faithful judgment on it is harsh. It becomes a life that sometimes is the means for salvation and other times hinders God's work. The work of the prophetic is to provide God's judgment and allow for disillusionment and renewed life with different/better conceptions of God at the time
God is beyond good and evil. He stepped through chaos to create order. Somehow this plays a part in our understanding of who he is. He cannot be domesticated
Somehow God is involved in societal culture. There is a thread of the church in culture as there is a strand of culture within those who believe. Our separation of church and state (which has been mutually beneficial to both) is artificial, but the alternative is not a nation of anti-abortion laws, prayer in school, and the 10 commandments in court houses. It is a people where their conscience is shaped by the Spirit, the work of their hands is the ministry, and love is not part of a priority list it has become their existence through intuition and action
If believers refuse to hear the Spirit and continue to preserve religion as an effort to benefit God without his involvement, he will use others who are able to hear. God is not more concerned about Christianity's success over Islam. Rather he is concerned that salvation in his terms is experienced through Christ
Art, human love, music, poetry, and expressions of meritless kindness give humanity a starting point to understand God's grace. To be born again is to throw away preconceptions on the important things in life and let Christ mold us as a baby learns language, trust, and love in union with mom

Some of this probably sounds New Age-y. Tomorrow, with fresh eyes, I might be greatly embarrassed or not able to remember a bit about why I wrote a particular sentence (though it seems so self-evident now).

Good night and blessings...

God's love, dreams, and doing

2006-05-27T08:40:00.000-05:00

I came across the following quote from Stephen Leacock in Fletcher's book. It got me thinking about my friend and her daughter the spit fire.

It may be those who do most dream most.

I think this is so true. As a follower of Christ, I find myself in constant doubt. It ebbs and flows. Its character is not about the existence of God nor fundamentally the beautiful things about him, but it is distancing nonetheless. But when I meet those who have settled better the love of God in their life (he is for them, not manipulative or destructive, but for them and loves them), the natural result seems to be a freedom to dream. These then are the same people who do extraordinary things. They don't look at a house and spend extra time contemplating on whether God wants them to have it because they wonder where they are in his love. They have developed a strong intuition of the Spirit. They feel very comfortable hearing his voice and moving. Or perhaps they feel that if they were to make a mistake in trying to follow God's steps that his grace is still bigger than the circumstance. This last sentence may really be hitting on something for me.

I also like the order this quote uses. It is approachable, and allows us all to be dreamers. To do leads to dreaming. Dreaming is the Existential result of a life of good doing. Out of the simple commitments done well come cosmic changes...

The Kingdom and the kids

2006-05-25T05:46:00.000-05:00

I've just been a blogging fool this morning, but I've got one more in me. I woke up thinking about friends' kids. The oldest has many talents. He loves Jesus and it comes out in his art, the way he approaches soccer, and how he interacts in the store. He often gives his parents Kingdom insights. There is no disconnect between sacred and secular for him. He is consistent in his worship and action. The middle daughter is loving. She has to be one of the most hospitable people I've ever met (she gets this from her mom). She will bring you into her world and make you feel like you are a king. Look here's her favorite book and there is where she wants to sit with you and have a conversation. She will gaze into your eyes and it chokes you up, she is just so amazing. The youngest is a spit fire. I suspect she will be like her dad in being able to see what she wants and having the tenacity to get it done. When your life is caked in God, this vision and desire warms the Lord's heart, "Do extraordinary things, it's OK that's where I am at as well." And when she smiles you have to chuckle.

So, I awoke with a smile this morning. A group of great kids, each living out the Kingdom of God as they are supposed to. They are blessed to live under the influence of amazing parents and they bless people from across the country. A forth is on the way. I can't wait to see the part God has for him to play!

Beauty needs lines

2006-05-25T05:42:00.000-05:00

I was flipping through the Fletcher book this morning and this quote took up a whole page:

Art, like morality, consists in drawing the line somewhere.
- G.K. Chesterton

What an interesting idea to meditate on.

Commencement

2006-05-25T05:10:00.000-05:00

Twice a year I wear a cap and gown. Tonight is one of those events, Commencement. And I have to admit the College does an amazing job with it. Students will gather 4:30-ish in a huge torazo-floored lobby. It's beautiful with a large spiral stair case. They will then march through a large court yard and as they round their way through the separation between the buildings, they see this vast expanse that comes to a bowl with a band shell at the locus. Throughout this grassy concave will be family and friends on beach towels and blankets enjoying the sun, eating, and having a great time. They will hear bag pipes playing and see a large contingent of officials on the platform; there to honor them. The hair on the back of their necks will rise as will their pulse. We'll be celebrating.

Tonight's address will be from Dr. Braithwaite. He wrote To Sir with Love which is about his life as a teacher in England. He has been at the College on and off throughout the year; visiting classes, lecturing, etc. I had the privledge of sitting in on a discussion on the philosophy of education that he gave. He is quite passionate and doesn't let faculty sit in the victim's seat too long. I suspect that generally he holds them accountable for classroom success regardless of the obstacles. Perhaps he's just from that old school generation, or perhaps he has wisdom. Being that I'm on the dark side (administration), I'm not sure.

Graduation is where I realize my job has meaning. All the politics and crazy deadlines. The millions of dollars of technology that just never seems enough and the endless support that isn't quite good enough. But today hundreds of people will have benefited from the silent work of my staff and me. Without us they could not have been successful. We provided the tools for registration, to learn programming, to become proficient in medical billing, to see PowerPoint lectures, to research the Internet, to be able to call professors in a panic and get reassurance that they would be just fine. They will be going on to UCONN, getting a job in criminal justice, pursuing Yale, or just getting that AA in art because it felt right. There will be single moms who will have credentials to support their families. There will be kids that were forced to grow up just a little more to be successful in the military, the workplace, or anywhere else life might take them.

My Republican-Libertarian ideals are challenged by these liberal pragmatics and I just let it be. I rejoice with those who rejoice. I know pride isn't a pretty color, but sometimes it's nice to reflect on the good.

Self-success and quality

2006-05-24T06:57:00.000-05:00

I had a conversation with my boss the other day in which he wanted to coach me on a particular decision. It felt too controlled to him. We had a great conversation and I think he came up with an interesting insight that I'm not sure what to do with. For him my motivations, vision, etc. are bang-on, but my personality is intense, quality-driven and this shuts down the vision.

For example, I want to see my staff able to develop visions for their areas, be accountable, and yet not be afraid to make mistakes. These are the words and passion I have expressed to them for years. At the same time, I want the outcomes to be amazing and can not handle the disconnect between coaching a person to be successful through their failures to at some point be amazing. In the quest for quality, and the extraordinary, my staff probably feel like things.

A point to ponder...

Servant-y, leadership-y thing

2006-05-24T06:30:00.000-05:00

Over the last few years I think some of the directions in leadership have been off a little. For example in my mind "leadership" is cool, "management" is bad, and "following" isn't part of the equation. As I've been listening to Stephen Covey's The Eighth Habit, I think a healthier approach is that all people should inhabit all of these elements, but that different roles require a different ratios. Below are my thoughts on the pieces:

Leadership - the influence of oneself and of those around you to a vision beyond you. It is purely about people. Taking responsibility for your being and then influencing those around you through the fruit of the Spirit. Influence is not manipulation, but rather helping others participate in the roles that passion, skill, and Godly direction have emerged
Management - stewardship of tangibles. Resources, money, schedules/time, facilities, etc. all need to be administered. The details are no less important than the vision
Following - allowing oneself to be influenced, to be humbled, to submit to works and visions bigger than one's own. To stay in proper relationship with Christ. To submit to others for any number of reasons, one of which is because that is how honest communities work

The definitions are not perfect, but could you imagine a Body in which every person was taught how to engage their world through these? The Janitor who has a simple vision for people in an organization and starts praying. He holds the door open for people out of his way. He smiles while walking down the hall. He influences to the benefit of the Kingdom of God. Then he takes seriously using his money for purposes that expand the Kingdom. There isn't much, but each dollar is used with intention and has today and eternity in mind. He is a pleasure to lead taking care of business beyond what is appropriate and recognizes that all leaders are following someone or something. He will not be manipulated, but will listen to his wife say the same thing she has said a million times and hear something a little different. He will submit to her for no other reason than he loves her and wants her to understand it.

"Son" and Paris

2006-05-23T07:06:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I make things too complicated. Yesterday I was reading something about the final judgment and what the ultimate criteria would be. For the author it was simply being a child of God. Full stop. I know you can't stop too long and linger before questions like, "Must I accept this status or is it birthed outside of my control?" "What is it to be a good child?" "Why is struggle and pain part of this childhood?" But in the end, all the theology and philosophy must give way to a childlikeness that is more powerful and on occasion tangible: God loves me and titles me his son. And this surely can be enough.

Here's my little sister in Paris!

Beyond experience

2006-05-21T06:51:00.000-05:00

What if all acts of creativity were in the realm of the Holy Spirit? Is this commonality something that allows for a bridge with an unbeliever? We discount the movement and emotion that comes with looking at art or reading a poem when it is not written by a "known" Christian, but perhaps this slaps God. I wonder if it fits with other pieces of our image of God that allows someone to sense the Spirit's tugging. Why in seeing a Rembrandt and being moved as deeply within me as a church worship service do I dismiss the Spirit?

I've been skimming through Alan Fletcher's book The Art of Looking Sideways and he talks about creativity only being true creativity when it gets beyond experience. If the act lacks this component it is probably more along the lines of "process becomes product." This reminded me of Thomas Merton's understanding of meditation. To take something that I have studied and get beyond myself in terms of knowledge, insight, expectation, etc. Where it is God's insights that provide the lattice of understanding beyond my imagination. Probably only possible when the leap starts for faith.

Some interesting quotes from Fletcher's book:

Creating a new theory is not like destroying an old barn and erecting a skyscraper in its place. It is rather like climbing a mountain and gaining new and wider views.
- Albert Einstein

I want to link creativity with something known as serendipity, which means to find something that you haven't been looking for but which changes everything that went before and comes after. [to be] surprised...
- Robert Grudin

Creativity... involves the power to originate, to break away from existing ways of looking at things, to move freely in the realm of the imagination, to create and re-create worlds fully in one's mind - while supervising all this with a critical inner eye. Creativity has to do with inner life - with the flow of new ideas and strong feelings.
- Oliver Sachs

It is not hunger, but love and fear, and sometimes wonder, that make us create... to give poetic form to the pragmatic.
- Emilio Ambasz

The prerequisite of originality is the art of forgetting, at the proper moment, what we know.
- Arthur Koestler

Paris

2006-05-20T19:48:00.000-05:00

My little sister is on an emersion trip to Paris and I saw The Da Vinci Code. I was thinking this afternoon that I so hope her experiences and love for God are so much more than mine. I love that "kid."

Perspectives and the past

2006-05-20T19:06:00.000-05:00

A couple of years ago I went out many times with a really neat, beautiful women. She loved God, was on her way to becoming a medical doctor, was physically so beautiful that I would stutter or find my breath would become shallow when seeing her across the room, and she sculpted her life on how she experienced God moving in it.

Her dad asked me to film her sister's wedding with the condition and "favor" that I be his other daughter's date. That was the first that extended through the summer. I had myself a little crush, you might say.

But by the end of the summer I had found that I had completely misread her. She had not liked me at all. I then redefined "our" history. We had done things together, but as friends. Those gestures, the amazing walk on the beach talking and appreciating what God had done in the full moon, the focus and gaze she would give me when I talked, and the laughter hadn't meant any more than moments of happiness. For me they were testing the water for a deeper relationship, but for her they could have been with anyone and just happened to be me. Rather than casting a shadow on her, it was how far I felt I had misunderstood. And as the summer, and the relationship, came to an end, I realized I had actually produced some frustration for her that I never knew. I was that guy who was difficult to get rid of. Ouch!

It bothered me that I had had such a different perspective of that time. I felt bad that in the end she had no feelings for me and for whatever reason could not express that. But, today, her mom introduced me to someone as "..., you know, he dated (my daughter)..." She smiled widely and spoke as it were a matter of fact and a nice piece of our history. I was appreciative that my perspective wasn't completely off. I know it doesn't mean as much as the space I've devoted, but sometimes a person can spend a lot of time redefining the past.

Disillusionment with operating systems

2006-05-20T18:59:00.000-05:00

I love Apple. My computers since college have been Apples. I recently bought a Mac Mini. It is small and beautiful. But, its operating system is as unstable and frustrating as anything I've experienced with Windows. When I was a System Administrator for an HP-UX (UNIX) mini-computer they recognized that the OS was never perfect. Every month they provided updates. Windows produces updates that destroy their own products and now Apple has provided a security update that renders its OS almost so unstable that it can't be used.

The message is not that Apple is now evil and Windows is good. The message is all operating systems are inherently limited. Get over it. I have.

Floating

2006-05-20T18:38:00.000-05:00

Today I came across a "post-charismatic" movement/conversation/thing. I'm tired of "post-." It's meant to take into account the "pre" and then allow for movement beyond it, but it doesn't. Post-modernism is supposed to take those tenants that have stood the test of time and affirm them while rejecting the elements that have been found false. Instead its proponents dismiss all forms of certainty and don't see themselves as puppets of consumerism.

I feel like I'm floating. Frustrated with Evangelical cliche's that have been given godly precedence and frustrated with suspicion. Today a friend from church said, "Gays, yah, I mean I don't want to kill 'em or anything." That is a Jesus response to him. He loves God and I refuse to deny him that. Then the Emergent Conversation talks about the evils of creeds and faith statements. Meanwhile they yield commentary after commentary of how the rest are getting it wrong. And somehow I have this sense that there should be a pure, perfect response to Christianity that rises above this. Hence, I float.

It would be nice to pretend that floating were the answer. But there is no life in floating. Today I went to a wake for a friend whose sister died young of cancer. I could suspend frustration on our preoccupation with homosexuality as a sin and looking the other way in gossip and false prophesy; I could suspend frustration on silly attempts at rejecting the summarization of faith even though those who reject it do it most; but I have to land on this. You can't float and obey. You can't float and grieve with those who grieve. You can't float and be involved in incarnational life changes and quantum restoration. You can't float and love...

The Edge

2006-05-14T18:03:00.000-05:00

There is a cost to edginess. Unpredictable fractures and juts can inflict pain. Looking for non-conformity to comfort is a bit like asking anarchy to bestow civility. Count the cost, it's not always worth it, but sometimes...

New rosary and angst

2006-05-14T00:05:00.000-05:00

Today (technically yesterday now) I felt compelled to create a new prayer rosary. It has three sections: Loving God, Fruit of the Spirit, Things to Think About. I hope it will help deflect my self-centeredness and related angst.

Happy mother's day

2006-05-13T23:24:00.000-05:00

From the bottom of my heart, happy mother's day!

Certainty and healing

2006-05-13T20:11:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I wish I could come back to certainty. It's not gone, but I've lost confidence that I can capture it. This isn't necessarily bad and it's not certain either. But there was a time when in my relational emphasis of knowing Christ I translated Christianity into a formula. No baggage that I can recall, no devilish motives, but A+B=Christian. Ironically I would have gone to the mat in defending my ideal that there were no formulas to God, but that's part of life. We're always looking for the script, the steps, the signs, the means, the avenue to success. For the charismatic this is running to prophets and for the Evangelical it is reading the Bible like a maintenance manual. This is probably a good trait, generally. The object is to focus in on inadequacies of "A" or "B" and pump them up. But sometimes those with the strongest faith die horrific deaths and those with the most deprived, demonic expressions of being live abundantly. And yes, sometimes it seems that A+B=life to the full.

I raise this little paragraph of paradox because today I wondered how much of our experience is psychological and how much spiritual? Where does physical come into play? Are these categories a continuum of a common one? Today, I found my psyche being impacted by an event that happened 19 years ago. I've been melancholy and blue, not all of which fits nicely into this event. But today is the anniversary of the death of my mom. And I find on this anniversary, and her birthday, points where my being is impacted without my will. I often forget the calendar, holidays and birthdays many times become disconnected from my life, but even with this distance, the emotion consumes and I have an ah-ha that it's that season again.

Is the message of Christ that we will revert to a cleaner, more innocent time in our lives and from there live out healthy lives? Does he really promise that those abused will be unimpacted by that trauma in knowing him? What if life is unrepairable and the new creation makes use of the chaos and crap? As unknown, mystery, possibility, and yes uncertainty have taken more prominence in my life, I wonder if faith requires an object of belief. A+B=C. I wonder and in that wanderment I meet people who are certain of their healing, and I meet myself, fairly uncertain of it.

Daily Space with God Epilogue and New Creation

2006-04-30T14:55:00.000-05:00

The following thoughts from Phyllis Tickle capture an end to this course that feels appropriate. I'm not sure I can fully articulate the connection with her meditations but they compel me to a truthful life in which God is not just outside of my priorities, but rather is all. Saying that Jesus is number one in my life is yet to terribly misunderstand. He is supposed to be my life. "Stitches do take the time they are made in and spend it to change the people who are making them." What a blessing to lead lives of intention in God where disciplines and hard work provide for beautiful art and also transform us through the time taken. This is to live truthfully, and for me is existentialism at its best.

When hands and thoughts are occupied in the goodness of small and needful creation, the spirit rests that deep rest in which it can attend itself and be attended by the sacred. Distrustful always of the time and circumstance entwined in human perceptions, my father spoke with his attention the established prayers of the psalms and the church and tradition; but he sent his spirit, refreshed and whole, when he would speak as himself to God. The result, like its motivation, was a singular reverence as well as a simple gift that wanted passing along.

This is my last official semester at Hartford Seminary. After this I will be working on my special project, a thesis-type experience. What a wonderful way to transition to the next phase God has for me...

Ethics and the gas pump

2006-04-27T06:42:00.000-05:00

Well, the semester is coming to a close. The class, Daily Space with God, which was the impetus for this blog only meets one more time. This week the instructor, whose doctorate is in theological ethics, said that he had a conviction that by and large teaching ethics is wrong. That trying to teach something that is to be intuitive by hypothetical situations at best has little fruit and at worst undermines ethics. It introduces possibilities to hurt, kill, steal that when living a godly life aren't really possibilities. His hypothesis is that making space with God and the resulting life of contemplation is where ethical behavior flows from.

He's right. Prior to this class and even in it, I had become a little disillusioned. It felt like "works." If I stopped and just was, then the reality would be that my closeness with God would become distance. And while there is truth to this, another truth is that in the discipline of creating space for God and living in him, the discipline becomes intuitive. Your first reaction isn't always anger, but it starts to move to love. Your first impulse isn't self-preservation, but it moves to sacrifice. Your reliance on happy circumstances starts to move toward contentment and peace beyond your environment.

A couple of days ago I did a really stupid thing. I had been filling up my car and went into the quick mart for a candy bar. When I came out, I started the car and slowly backed away. I then saw and heard the nozzle still in the tank. Ouch. So I stopped and pulled out the nozzle. It was dripping fuel, but didn't look damaged. My tank door got bent pretty good, but the fuel hole looked untouched. So I replaced the nozzle, continued the transaction and left. I was relative sure that everything was fine, but had this nagging feeling it wasn't. So the next morning I drove by and sure enough there was a bag over the nozzle and a large sign saying the pump was down. I called a few minutes later and the manager was unaware of what was going on and said to call back that afternoon. I stopped by and gave the afternoon manager my name and number. Now, at different points in this episode I was thinking, well they probably got me on tape, so it's good to confess - any time the cops are on the way, often I didn't think at all about it, no the cost of this thing is incidental to them but when they realize they have a "live one" they're going to rake me over the coals - better leave this alone, but in the end it was a matter of how much is peace worth? Isn't the righteous life worth a few buck, maybe many hundred few bucks? I can say that taking God seriously and working through daily disciplines didn't have me at a place where I immediately responded righteously (or I should say I allowed some entertainment not to respond righteously although the steps generally were), but it did give me the ability to decipher the truly important.

Transitions

2006-04-23T17:44:00.000-05:00

As I was working through the Jesus Wreath rosary this morning, I was drawn to the transitional beads. In many respects this is where the real work seems to take place. This is where faith is tested, where things are unknown, where in life you're not so sure what the next phase will be. It's impractical to reproduce this reality in a rosary and it tells a story that is part of the beauty, but sometimes it's good to look at the transitions.

Crystals and beads

2006-04-23T16:53:00.000-05:00

As I was looking for a replacement to the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius, I came across a rosary called The Wreath of Christ. Rosaries have always been taboo, probably because they seem to mostly be associated with Mary and penance. This one seemed interesting. So I went to a bead shop to build one. Each bead has symbolic meaning. So, yesterday and today I've been going through the prayers and have found the exercise pretty neat. There is something nice about touching something that represents mystery or the texture of sand. I also found it relaxing.

As a side note, before I got to the bead shop, I went to the natural food store for direction and there was a crystal for 50% off. I have fond memories of crystals lighting up beautifully at a New Age grade school. My apartment's windows face the East and I've thought often about getting one for its beauty. I've been reluctant because of the New Age-ness of it. But in getting it, I intentionally reject that symbolism and replace it with God's love. I have prayed over it that it must submit to what Christ is doing in my home. Perhaps this has delved into the superstitious a little, but the last thing I want to do is dishonor the Lord.

One of the thoughts I had as I was putting this entry together was on consumerism. Am I excited about this because I bought this? That the process of buying to fulfill the place of God is really the issue? I hope not, but we'll see...

Below are prayers associated with the Jesus Wreath:

God (large, gold)- you are immense, you are near, you are light, you are beyond what I can image, yet you are in me through the Holy Spirit
Me (pearl) - you created me as your own image. Let me see your image in myself and reflected in who I am and all I do
Baptism (large, dark green)- you have invited me. In your hands I commend my life. Those things of old are gone and all things are new in you
Desert (brown with lots of texture) - keep me holy and I will be holy kept. Heal me and I will be healed. Draw me near yourself, and my heart will have peace. Jesus the Christ, give me mercy
Carefree (blue with other colors)- I give away my load of worries. I receive your peace. I breath out worry and I breath in your peace
God's Love (round, red) - O Lord, you love me more than anyone else and you love the world whole heartedly
Sacrifice (diamond-ish, red) - let me love my neighbor with your love. Let me appreciate your sacrifice deeply. I pray on behalf of...
Mystery (three small, gray with black) - I give thanks, I ask for, I pray... I think, I am happy for... There are mysteries and needs beyond what I can fathom or make sense of. The touch of the bead is a prayer. Lord, you know. Take care...
Night (black with gold band and three spines)- out of the depths have I tried to you, O Lord. Lord, please hear my voice. May distance collapse and my love for you be without ill motive. Do not abandon me
Resurrection (opaque, green) - here there is no time. Here there is no distance. I have peace in my heart because of you. Here is where your touch in humanity has and continues to change everything. Help me to live the resurrection in all of my being. Here I want to stand

Ignatius down the tubes, but where to go with Merton?

2006-04-22T09:02:00.000-05:00

Last week I started the final phase of the classes' spiritual disciplines. It is The Spiritual Exercises of Saint Ignatius. It is a serius of exercises that help place you near what is being experienced through visualization. For example, you are to envision having a conversation with Jesus as he is on the cross regarding your sin. I once met a Catholic who was into visualization and for him it was using a spirit guide to channel the experience. To me this was demonic, so I was a bit skeptical. But the first week was good with a few caviats. There are tips, requirements, and expectations shrewn throughout the week with what seems to me little order. When you get to the end there are even more requirements that pertained to the week you just went through. You can tell what day it is, but there are notes, exercises, contemplations, and sections with no apparent heading.

The first week is developing an awareness of sin and working on a particular one. I found it to be very helpful. But it wants to seperate you from God so that you feel how bad you are. It even recommends self-mortification to get there with admissions such as cutting yourself, but not to the bone. I get that it's an exercise and that other pieces are the reunion, but it seems dangerous spending so much time on how terrible you are because of sin. That being said, it also brought me to a place where I had to deal with sin and it really brought home the reality of how horrible and distructive sin is.

Today I started the second week and got so frustrated that now I think I will go in a completely different direction. It's the mechanics. I spent twenty minutes trying to figure out what you do when and couldn't find the pattern. It also looks like this is something designed to spend days with not parts of hours. It just seems unsustainable without being on a retreat (which is what it was designed for as well as for the monastic life). It also requires more "translation" and grappling with Catholic theology that becomes distracting. In the first week, a Hail Mary was required. Easy enough to incorporate the Lord's Prayer. But this week is on the Kingdom of God and the premise that the Trinity were sitting in heaven and one day noticed that humanity was going to hell and decided to send Jesus. From a theological perspective, I've never known how to work salvation prior to Christ and yet be consistent with why Jesus' redemption alone would be needed, but have accepted the paradox. But the idea that they were drinking lemonade one day and they realized that humanity was going to hell seems crazy to me as well.

I find that I identify with Thomas Merton and the contemplative life. But he intentionally doesn't do the daily exercise bit. It is unauthentic to look at it that way. I get this, but am also frustrated because I need to start somewhere and the clock is ticking on this class.

Persecution prerequisites and the Kingdom

2006-04-15T09:09:00.000-05:00

"Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

Well this will be my last Lectio Divina for the season. This one was amazing and I've found that though I've not been as faithful to it (and even less so to the Augustine daily readings), it has included the path of the next daily disciplines that start tomorrow. They will be meditative and contemplative in nature similar to the Lectio Divina, but I'll blog about that a later.

I came to today's like many, a little depressed, not expecting much, realistically seeing it as another thing to get done today. Literally, one of the issues to work through today is the litany of tons of stuff to get done. And this was one of them. I guess when push comes to shove, it shows some foundational stress that needs to be addressed before the foundation drastically impacted. But, even in the terrible motives, God met me. As I was going through it, I found I was in constant communication with the Lord. It finally occurred to me that this was the connection, I even said out loud, "This is the connection with you that I've been looking for, right?" The answer, "yes, Yes, YES!!!" This isn't new to me, but it seems to be something I forget easily.

Verses 11 and 12 are the most intimate of the Beatitudes. In the ESV, Jesus refers to "you" five times while in the others he never does. It is the first one where he places himself within the story. It recognizes that words hurt, that being misunderstood hurts. Particularly, when you are walking in truth and trying to live an honest life.

It is the first Beatitude where others are mentioned. There is an us and there is a them. But they are not the issue. You are. Jesus doesn't call us to a relationship of enemy and hero, rather he gives us a response to persecution. As I was reading it, I misread this word multiple times and instead of "persecution," I was inserting "prosecution." What an amazing mishap. What if this had been written in terms of prosecution? Our just recompense from the others? Or do they even see what Jesus is saying as persecution, but rather righteous prosecution? When someone messes up the biblical apple cart in our eyes we prosecute them! Perhaps a subtlety is that at any point the you and the others can easily reverse - be cautious.

Jesus connects persecution with the prophets of old. I have to stop for a second. Like anyone I've experienced injustice. I've experienced pain. I've experienced desperation. But that's not what Jesus is talking about. I would like it to be. Perhaps they fit under meek or poor in spirit, or even those who mourn, but not the persecuted. To have someone hate me and act upon that because of Jesus, no that is something altogether different. I was enjoying the Lectio Divina to this point and then I asked, "What does this call me to?" In Brian McLaren's The Secret Message of Jesus he talks about Jesus' scandal. I would have thought the scandal was his message, hope, God loves you, redemption, the repressed haven't been forgotten, tears are not arbitrary to God, etc. But the prophets had had similar messages from God for years. The scandal was that the Kingdom of God is now and through Jesus. It is so specific. It is so risking and unintuitive. How nice it is to talk generally of God's love and how one day his hand will be strong. How nice it is to speak of heaven as the down hill ski-ers' paradisee or the ultimate hiking location depending on your thing. And the scandal touches us today, Jesus holds us accountable for ushering the Kingdom in every moment of our life with him. You see, before I can be counted among the "reviled" and "persecuted," I actually have to be doing something. Not just counting myself as part of the church or stopping sin. These are important, but I suspect that this Beautitude throws light on all of the preceding ones. It's in living a life that is poor in spirit, mournful, meek,thrusting for righteousness, being merciful, being pure in heart, and being peacemakers that we engage others and the Kingdom of God is manifest. God's standard through Jesus incarnates humanity again and again and again through us. And the others around us can submit to the Holy Spirit's mercy and grace or revile. So the scandal is will I lead a prophetic life? They heard God's voice, did crazy things on occasion, had a life and message that were in full continuity, sometimes said things that the established biblical authority didn't particularly appreciate, took responsibility for their life and message, and realized that the change God was doing was beyond them and even beyond their life spans. It would be presumptuous to say God is calling all Christians to a life of Isaiah, John the Baptist, Amos, Elijah, etc. but I think we should pause and let him shape our lives in ways that may be more congruent to these figures than we realize.

I've read these verses hundreds, maybe into a thousand times and always read them like this, "If tough stuff happens to you as a Christian, rejoice because heaven will be better." I missed the prerequisite of the prophetic life in Christ altogether, and I think artificially grouped persecution and rejoicing as the first step and then reward in heaven as the second step. But what if rejoicing while being persecuted is the message? That as the insults are being hurled the response is gladness and rejoicing because in this interaction God can work. What if rejoicing is a form aviolencee against the other (Matthew 11:12) that keeps them in the role of other until they move under God's mercy? If this is the case then the only reason to distinguish the other is to rejoice. Kind of different from how it happens today. Perhaps the message isn't, "Grin and bear it, when you are dead it all works out," but rather, "Be the poor, mournful, meek, spiritually hungry,mercifull, pure, and peacemakers and this is how I (Jesus) intersect with humanity on a moment-by-moment basis, but resistance will come and you are still responsible for how it plays out. Rejoice and be glad, and it continues to move forward and that finds a reward beyond today. You can't lose and the Kingdom cannot be stopped."

As I was meditating on this, I kept looking for an apology from Jesus. If people are hurt "on my account" I feel bad. Jesus doesn't apologize and as I was meditating on this aspect, itoccurredd to me how much grander his perspective is than mine. The last sentence of the paragraph above came together after I had written this paragraph and just highlights this point majestically.

Discipline, labyrinths, and rockets

2006-04-12T07:07:00.000-05:00

I am slowly transitioning to a new set of daily disciplines. At this point I should be firmly established in them, but am liesurely moving there. I'm still doing Lectio Divina, but it's also still sporatic. I would like to geth through the Beautitudes and like the tension of taking the time and also wanting to be done.

The day before yesterday I read in the Emotional Displipline book from this weekend a quote that I thought was helpful about discipline, it should not be considred "dull drudgery aimed at exterminating laughter from the face of the earth... the purpose of the disciplines is liberation from the stifling slavery to self-interest and fear." Stephen Covey makes the same point. You can see piano practice as confining or you can see having the freedom to play the paino anytime you want as liberation.

I've been skimming through a book on labyrinths and will include many of its thoughts in my spiritual portfolio. It essentially asks you to come to the labyrith with a particular perspective, for a particular end, and often they are opposites. I thought about that for daily disciplines, what if today I focus on God's grace toward me from a near death experience and how that impacts each area, and tomorrow meditate on what it means to have space with God?

Yesterday I was reading some of Thomas Merton's works on meditation and found them to be congruent with the labyrinth wisdom. He has an analogy of a rocketship. In study through the Holy Spirit we are launched to heights just outside of our natural abilities to achieve and then one of two things occurs. The fuel is spent and the rocks falls to the earth. Or there is an explosion and fireworks light the sky. As we get beyond study, we get beyond ourselves. The fireworks are Jesus changing us and our loving through that change. One of the things I think Merton is getting at is that the inner life or meditation and love of God is not destined to implode the person into themselves, but force us to live lives of love, service, justice, and the like in ways that we don't necessarily understand, but metaphysically in Christ. The rocket dies, but how it dies is something we can participate in. I don't think I've got the analogy 100%, but the elements of study, meditation, Jesus's love, and being changed beyond my abilities are extremely attractive to me.

This morning as I was doing the Lectio Divina (for those who are persecuted), I was meditating more on Merton's thoughts on meditation. There are those pictures that have two distinct images in one. A popular one shows an old woman's face and from another perspective, a beautiful young woman. It takes a discipline of non-focus in order to see the second image. Perhaps meditation is that taking study and knowledge as far as it can and then "loosing focus" so that something new and extraordinary in God is seen?

Emotion and change

2006-04-08T20:10:00.000-05:00

So, I should transition from the daily Bible notes/Lectio Divina daily disciplines to a daily discipline that is uniquely mine. I've gotten tons of material, but find it difficult putting down an actual rigor.

The daily Bible notes and Lectio Divina was a significant struggle. Emotionally, I wasn't into it. Though, each time I blogged about it, I found profound messages. The blogging was actually part of the experience. I wonder if I was changed by it invisibly or if it was more of an intellectual pursuit with uncertainty being given higher credence than solidity?

Does it make sense to be stuck because one feels failure a possibility? I purchased a book on emotional discipline today. In reading it some time ago, I found that emotion was a barometer to point to reality. It may not be reporting reality, but even in distortion it is reporting a status. Emotion should not be discounted or seen as evil. But it is often associated with "the flesh." True enough in one sense, but then emotion has convicted in love and confirmed in discipline. It has provided confirmation and revealed spiritual poverty.

Others see us

2006-04-08T19:53:00.000-05:00

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the sons of God.

In doing the Lectio Divina today, the first thing that struck me about this Beautitude is that it touches on reputation. The title or character for those who work for peace is that of a child of God. I suppose if God is calling one a child of God, that identity sticks. Can we live with that? Does this alone satisfy adequate love for God through Christ?

Perhaps our entire understanding of Christianity could be wrapped up in the work of peacemaking. Peace with God. Peace with the other in our life. Peace with those we love. Peace with ourselves. Peace with circumstance, abundance, and perseverance. Peace with nature. Peace to recognize our seperateness and unity with everything. Peace in paradox and contradiction. In the Hebrew Bible, peace "conveys the image of wholeness, unity, and harmony something that is complete and sound."1 I wonder if all of reconciliation and incarnational reality can be summed up in peacemaking?

1 New International Encyclopedia of Bible Words
by Lawrence O. Richards
Copyright Â©1985, 1991 by The Zondervan Corporation
Grand Rapids, Michigan 49530
All rights reserved.
Electronic text hypertexted and prepared by OakTree Software, Inc.
Version 1.0

Purity as Jesus speaks

2006-04-03T06:36:00.000-05:00

Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.

I wanted to get on the other side of "pure" and "shall." I wanted this verse to speak to a universal salvation of all humanity if they had this quality of pure. I wanted the shall to be translated into "immediately, without question." I wanted definition and distinction and lines.

Jesus doesn't offer boundary in that way. One person will probably read this verse and weep because the difficulties of life have provided a forum for purity and indeed they see God. Real. Another will read this as an affirmation that no one is good enough to see God. Who can truly be pure? And there is substantial hermeneutical grist to keep the theologian chomping along. But, in the end, Jesus is the logos. Blessing, purity, sight of God come from his mouth.

Blessedness and Jesus' words today

2006-03-31T09:56:00.000-05:00

"Enjoying or showing or marked by joy or pleasure or good fortune" is what it is to be blessed, according to the Visual thesaurus. "Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy." I became curious as to who Jesus was talking to. I always assumed it was the crowd. Interestingly the start of the Beautitudes is to the disciples, but once Jesus gives the parable of building on sand and rock, "the crowd is astonished."

I don't know why it matters who he was talking to. I guess I read this as a proverb more than a magic formula this morning. Some would use this as a binding contract with God, "You said, in your word, that if I were merciful I would be given mercy. I now claim this promise!" But is that how this works? How much mercy makes us one of the merciful? If our identity were really that of the merciful, would we allow such distance and distrust in order to get our way? Even if our way was based on justice, goodness, wanting the best for others; love? Maybe.

And yet, why can't we take God at his word? Are we making something of the Bible that only relationship was meant to be? Is Jesus' talking to his intimate disciplines and then a crowd who was sweating under the same sun as him, feeling the same breeze as him, something I can claim as my own because technology has allowed these words to exist for centuries?

Flowing in the banks

2006-03-30T06:53:00.000-05:00

I haven't been nearly as consistent with the Lectio Divina and daily reading notes (Augustine devotional) as with the Daily Office. But I think the emphasis on a God-centered life that this class has required of me (not quite accurate, but it has raised the issue in ways that are more difficult to run from than if not accountable in a class) has been extremely helpful. Knowing that journaling is required has been positive and helped form habits, but the issues that arise from these times with the Lord also become part of my thought vocabulary throughout the day.

It provides a bit of a bank for the river to follow. Or it's like a canal that is built intentionally. God may or may not honor the banks, but it's a starting point. For example, three processes have become part of my meditation in much greater focus. Perhaps I will find that God built this river or he may have allowed me to for a short time to carry his message and then flood in unpredictable ways.

Looking at life as a dialect from Tillich is the first and provides structure for the rest. A dialect is thesis (starting point) → anti-thesis (problem with proposed solution) → synthesis (change). For Tillich life is in a sense a series of closenesses to God → moving away from God, but desiring intimacy → being embraced by God. Jesus is the ground for this to happen. This is love and in the end this series of dialect processes will lead to the face-to-face encounter with God for eternity.

Another canal or river bank has become Volf's ideas on reconcilliation. I see them as dialectics as well. That forgiveness, justice, and ultimately reconcilliation are each processes that form the means for ultimate closeness within humanity. You can live a life of justice to the exclusion of forgiveness, but not honestly for too long. Determinations of innocence and guilt when looking in a mirror are less distinct as we look at Jesus' demands on our life. So often in the Bible we also see that how we respond to others is how we respond to God (I invite you to stop here, let it set for a second, re-read the first part of this sentence two or three times), which makes this even more cosmic in nature. Rather than seeing these as synonymns for each other, each requires a dying to self, a dialect of intimacy lost → thirst for closeness → reunion and love.

The third bank is a life of repentance. I think that daily times with God (not just now, but over the years) has brought a new understanding of repentance. I always lived it out as saying I'm sorry as quickly as possible for a sin and then intending to walk out a different life. What I'm finding is that it is mostly the walking. Much of my center in God is actual a life of repentance. It is humility in recognizing my frailness, but also trust that Jesus has taken the sin and wants an extraordinarily live life. It's walking on water when all the emotion, laws, momentum tend toward sinking. I always saw repentance as transient and negative, but in many respects it is putting reconcilliation in motion. Often one thought, decision, touch at a time.

Appetite

2006-03-29T07:35:00.000-05:00

Today's Lectio Divina and Augustine reading meshed amazingly: "I approach food as I approach medicine" and "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied."

Augustine talks about a distinct line between eating for health and gluttony, but is deeply concerned that the soul can't find it. We often translate a want into a need and the soul likes the ambiguity. Interestingly, he leaves a little room at the end for grace in the line; maybe there are times when God allows a little indulgence because he love us? One can't spend too much in food just being utilitarian and vice versa food simply for pleasure is obesity and disease.

In both the Beautitude and Augustine, biology is mentioned. And not just any biology, but foundational. We get nowhere without food or drink. When I first read this Beautitude I thought, "Finally, one that requires no thought, it's straight forward, no-brainer, blah, blah, blah." But then I got this bad feeling, "Wait a minute, since when am I held accountable for my appetite?" I thought it was all about behavior; no matter what you want, only do good, only eat good, etc. But this is saying that it is the appetite for righteousness that leads to satisfaction.

Is this saying that temptation disqualifies satisfaction or is there a gap between thought and actualization and in this gap is where the hunger and thirsting are cultivated? My dad gave up salting food heavily when I was a kid. He said that over time you taste the natural flavors differently and that this becomes even better than the salting. Perhaps this type of process is what Jesus is calling us to toward satisfaction? I think of hunger and thirst as outside of my control, but that's not true. If I pace drinking water, I control the thirst or if I don't eat all day I directly control the hunger.

Or perhaps the reality is that if you live a righteous life, you will also live a metaphysically satisfying life?

Meekness and V

2006-03-25T19:37:00.000-05:00

I'm enthralled with V for Vendetta. It's the first movie I can recall seeing twice in a weekend. I won't ruin the plot, but there is an allusion to The Passion of the Christ and there are some amazing metaphors. I found myself moved a number of times at a ton of different levels. It's got this interesting quarkiness that runs through it as well. I've thought Natalie Portman had an outstanding presence since I first saw her in Beautiful Girls. Garden State was another that showed this old-soul-innocence quality.

I thought about the character "V" in relation to meekness; actually spent a lot of time dwelling on this in light of the Beautitude from this morning. Does meekness infer restraint or more of a downtrodden quality? Is there any respect that V is meek? Perhaps in a parallel thought, it occurred to me that I was equating "inherit the earth" as "conquer the earth." I suppose this imagery comes because I don't think those in power will willingly give up their power-brokered position so that the meek can inherit it.

Meekness, certainty, and unknown

2006-03-25T08:59:00.000-05:00

Today's Lectio Divina was on the meek inheriting the earth. There is a blessedness in being meek; in-and-of-itself. It seems that the meek live lives of humbleness, with proper perspectives of themselves and the world around them, and are gentle and lowly (NLT). Is the "inheritance" a different kind than we think? Is it just better perspective, enjoying things because a the meek you are more content? Is it a spiritual inheritance where the meek enjoy the sun or relationships a little better because they are not bound by their selfishness? I struggle with this. Why does everything have to be spiritualized and not forthright? If I inherit wealth from a dead relative, I inherit the whole enchilada. Hopefully, I will be changed by their godly character in reflecting on their life, but I can transform that tangible wealth into my life. For good or evil. I don't just gain a different perspective on wealth that translates into having no literal cash, but being happy about it. But other than the word-of-faith crowd, this Beatitude can't be interpreted as much more than a spiritual or other-worldy thing. Too many lovers of God have not inherited the earth to take the words at face value (I'm sorry but blaming them for a lack of faith may be accurate some of the time, but generally it is crap). In some respects we have to find "outs" to make sense of our experience and the Bible. We have to help God out. But God is here now, within me, outside of me, in the room, so far beyond the room, and yet he doesn't seem to feel the need to defend himself. My perspective is less than perfect and he could pull a Job on me. Perhaps this is part of meekness. That God is able to stand regardless of being misunderstood or even taken advantage of. And that be OK.

The whole thing is topsy-tervy, so counter-intuitive. How does "meekness" allow, project, propel, inheritance of the earth? It's crazy. No one gets here from there. I got a little bent out of shape with "inheritance" above, but the whole Beatitude doesn't fit conventional wisdom. Sometimes I feel like God is using words as loopholes to keep from accountability. It's like when President Clinton was fumbling with the definition of "is." Concepts of justice and abundance, any type of reading of the Bible as a contractual basis for prosperity in any respect, leads to disappointment and unobtained expectations. There is no recourse. No judge of God. And this is the way it's supposed to be. For the covenential language of justice and sacrifice has been engulfed by reconciliation. You can't hold a trial for God. You gather into him or you repel, but you can't simply stand in judgment (not at least for too long). Perhaps meekness is a perspective or life lived in reconciliation.

Why does Jesus say this about meekness? Is it to help the self-esteem or provide an ego boost to disenfranchised people? Is he giving us information about how the world changed after his historical, redemptive work? If we were an adult prior to the start of Jesus' ministry and through his ascension that we would say everything changed in religious or spiritual understandings? That our sense of connection or disconnection, attraction or disdain to God have new criteria and Jesus' message to the meek is helping us make sense of this? That the consciousness exposed in all humans through Christ is now a much less forgiving standard than the law? Playing in the gray is not an option. Or is this how it has always been for believers, and Jesus is now revealing what the Apostle Paul spoke of as the "mystery?"

As a tall, white, middle class man should I glean from this that the meek need protection because they will inherit the earth; the meek deserve respect because of their prominent role in God's economy; that I should become the meek? There are probably many messages. And is it possible that in the midst of positional dominance (a religion that sees itself as the full revelation of God/Christianity, tall, white, middle class male) I can become part of the meek?
Is it possible to be meek, inherit the earth, and yet not know Jesus (i.e. go to hell)? Over the last week a number of Ghandi's quotes have come up. The ones I've heard I been so consistent with Jesus' ways and offered amazing wisdom. No one can judge him, but is he part of the meek?

The experiential and the study

2006-03-22T18:45:00.000-05:00

In class last night someone mentioned how the Daily Office is more of a prayer and puts you in a different place than a typical Evangelical quiet time Bible study. I think this is accurate. I found myself wanting something more experiential than reading a chapter or some other arbitrary length of scripture. The Lectio Divina provides this. Unfortunately, if a more traditional Bible study doesn't take place, you are kind of left without context or big-picture perspectives.

One of the disappointments I've had in transitioning to the Lectio Divina and Augustine daily readings has been a lack of outward focus. It is intimately a time with the Lord, but I find that my concern centers on me only as opposed to the love of other through prayer that I was experiencing more from the Daily Office. I think this is why meditating on the Beatutifudes clicks.

Naked in the beatitudes

2006-03-22T07:41:00.000-05:00

This week I changed focus for the Lectio Divina to Matthew 5. Each day I will meditate on a particular beatitude. Yesterday was the poor in spirit. Each time I would read the passage, I found myself naturally slowing a bit. It was far and coming closer. What is the poor in spirit? As Jesus was talking, they would have known who they were. He's talking to us! We are connected in a way that excludes the non-poor. And as I was reading this, I realized I am really not part of the poor in spirit; but it's a blessing to know that I want to be, need to be, am in God's hand toward that.

My dear heavenly father,
I thank you that the kingdom
is not the way we think it should be.
I thank you for the identity you
have with the poor in spirit,
and that you tug on the hearts of
those who are not in this poverty.
Thank you for your kingdom.
I ask that it expand on earth as
it is in heaven.
May I be part of it, molded by it,
transformed by it, made poor by it.
I love you and give you this day.
In Jesus' name, amen, ...

Today was about mourning and blessing. Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted. To be comforted is a blessing. Miroslav Volf spoke of this blessing in sharing with the sufferings of Christ. That to suffer in this way is to experience his love and presence in a sense more tangibly than other aspects of our relationship to God. A communion that is precious. Perhaps those who mourn are blessed within the mourning itself. That to mourn in a healthiness is rare and yet pain is so prevalent in our lives. That many run from mourning and never allow for the blessing of temporalness to know we have limits and to allow those limits to shape us for love, allow for a life of peace, and to generally take action. Is there an innocence in mourning? It is true and perhaps requires us to deal with our sin and selfishness in honest ways. Mourning provides a boundary that we can taste. In our mourning is a dance of innocence; the victim becomes the avenger. Jesus understands. Perhaps mourning is that point in which all falseness is stripped and you are freely naked.

From the Augustine reading today.

And the happy life is this:
To rejoice in you.
To rejoice for you.
To rejoice because of you.
I say it again:
Life is joy in you,
who are the Truth,
O my God, the light of my soul,
the health of my body!

Discipline

2006-03-20T22:02:00.000-05:00

I forget that it's all in relation to the Lord; all activity, attitude, perspective, hope, and even pain. When you feel like much of life is edgy or out of control, you hunker down and take a short path to stability; you stop the bleeding; you do what you think God hasn't or can't. Ironically, it leads to a round-about sojourn.

The last few days I haven't done my devotions. I think it's out of familiarity. The Daily Office was new, fresh, but daily devotions are more normalized. It's just a matter of discipline.

I've been listening to Covey's The 8th Habit and he talks about discipline being lifeless without vision, and both being meaningless without consciousness. To have the Spirit compel, but to be in a place where it can compel. You may not be able to control lightening, but you can establish an environment that is conducive to it.

Play within reconciliation and death; hello Daily Office, tonight

2006-03-18T23:24:00.000-05:00

Tonight I wanted to do the Daily Office. I had just watched Matthew.

So many things seem to theologically penetrate me. Life as a deep dance of reconciliation; not just the/a divine moment, but every action. I participate in it or I repel it. I am captured by Christ's redemption or I am distanced. I dispense mercy or I steal soul elements of another. And life as mourning and getting on the other side of that. Theologically our expectations as crucified and this is death. Giving out of poverty (part of me removed; it leaves room for change; it causes a cavity for breath) instead of abundance (the cost as arbitrary; forgotten quickly). Death → forgiveness → reconciliation. I hear the foot steps of Paul Tillich's dialectic yet again.

So I wanted to do the Daily Office and I chose one from the Prayer Book for the 21st Century. It has a lot of process theology. I like that God wept; that he has capacity to change his mind; that his love for creation marks not just a distant artist from his work, but a compulsion that the artist is beyond his art and yet runs through it. But I found the reworking of the Psalms for a more process feel to be a bit too much. Perhaps another day it will seem different. For tonight I think a danger in process theology is that we can loose fear and awe. If God changes and we think we can now peg that characteristic, have we not become foolish and devilish?

Timers

2006-03-16T07:48:00.000-05:00

This morning I started with the Augustine devotional. It was powerful, about the imagery of Jesus as valley of tears and beautiful mountain top. No human can ascend without a descent first. The devotion was more prayerful, but still distant.

In the Lectio Divina I left my voice recorder at work yesterday, and so did it the old fashioned way. It was good, but I a tough time with the contemplative piece. I set a 5-minute sand timer to encourage at least some amount of time being spent meditatively. But, my life is filled with these timers. Timers of "conventional wisdom." At work it is deadlines for projects. The message is that the appearance of efficiency is king. It's always about building trust or tearing down misperceptions. And I struggle. There's no substance. Ian, my professor for this course, talked about time as simply a means to mark change. And so we set deadlines for getting degrees, a house, married, while others set them for us. There is a dance of expectations and then we presume to know the mind of God; for me that he is continually angry with a lack of progress. The "you could have been somewhere, but your not," syndrome. We set them for physical fitness and other disciplines. And it feels so artificial. Perhaps because in so many ways the assessment of success in these areas would not be positive. Perhaps because accountability isn't supposed to be fun.

And yet, I felt like God was honored in my 5-minute time commitment. Ironically within a few minutes of contemplating, I had some really neat ideas, thoughts from the Lord, but I can't think of them now. It's ironic because I stopped the contemplative section to write them down before I forgot.

Biology

2006-03-15T12:23:00.000-05:00

"Late have I loved you,
O Beauty so ancient and so new.
Late have I loved you!

You were within me,
while I was outside of myself.
I was searching for you
in all the outward joys and beauties.
And all I found was loneliness."

This was the starting of the Augustine devotion this afternoon (didn't allocate enough time for this morning). I was really moved by it. How ironic that we look outside of ourselves in other things for joy. This is particularly difficult when the things are people. To submit our biology, those core elements that seem so meaningful is difficult. To give up treasure is easy compared to the love of a lifetime, the hope of children, even physical healing. It's the biology that touch us so deeply, spiritually and yet God is there and joy is more than a potential.

Changed imperceptibly through quietness and the unknown

2006-03-15T12:21:00.000-05:00

This is the second time that I've done the Lectio Divina as a personal devotion. Each has been on Psalm 23:1-3. I've been kind of blazing my own path with it. I read the scripture slowly into a voice recorder trying to pause deliberately at commas and periods. I do this three or four times into the recorder with a pregnant pause between each reading. I then listen to the multiple readings without looking at the Bible. Today I must have listened to the verses eight times or more. I then took five minutes using a sand timer to allow the Holy Spirit to speak to me.

I have to admit that I didn't approach today's quiet time with enthusiasm. I've felt a distance with the Lord lately and Lectio Divina just didn't seem attractive. It didn't occur to me to start with prayer; I think I approached it simply as another task that needed to be done. There are four steps which I found better to re-order. The first is the reading of the scripture. I mentioned the change I made there, above. I like the voice recorder element. It changes it from comprehension being a cerebral process to one that uses auditory sensation to paint a different picture. Then rather than speaking to God about the scripture, I went silent and meditative for him to speak to me. I was disappointed because it seemed lifeless. It didn't feel like I was getting much from the Psalm because it has become such a cliche, but then there was the Word. The impression I received was that this time wasn't necessarily about cognitive experiences, but I had asked to be changed in these moments and God was doing just that in subtly, quietness, and the unknown.

The last part was to ask God how this is supposed to impact my call. I didn't do much with this.

A bit on sight

2006-03-13T23:27:00.000-05:00

Perhaps part of the problem is seeing things through the eyes of others. There are psychologists who believe there is no other way of seeing. They would say that everything we think is filtered through how we think others would experience it. Some see the eye as an apparatus capable of perceiving a vast array of the spectrum, but that we are able to see very little because of preconceived notions. Our eyes are limited by our expectations.

I found a lot of my day driven by the eyes of others. If I were to do this, I would be in good graces with this person, or if I were to do that they would see me as this. In daily devotions I think I do this as well. To expect based on what others I admire might expect or to try to do tricksy, cool things because so-and-so would really see that as edgy. I don't know that this is anymore or less a part of my life than others. It may even be how we are partially wired. How does an infant learn from literal nothingness to adulthood and the full nuances of life without this kind of disposition? Perhaps in this way, trust precedes language.

But I admire those who might be marching to a different beat. Not out of pretentiousness or cool factor, but because they have the capacity and courage to walk through the bounds of conventional wisdom or perception. I think this is one of the lessons of Jesus. Not that it's salvation material, but part of life to the full.

May the Lord grant you eyes that are in whole relation to the rest of the body. Clean, fresh, good eyes. Eyes that don't corrupt the heart or pain those around you. May a narrative in holy scripture release a flame that you never saw coming; that changes the way you see everything...

Easing into a new week; a new discipline

2006-03-12T23:25:00.000-05:00

I performed my last Daily Office a few minutes ago (last expressly for this class anyway). It was nice. Sad and applicable. I felt compelled to email my Oma who is in a convalescent home. Just before it, I received an urgent prayer request and that occupied components of the Daily Office.

Today, I've been thinking about Jesus. At church we had a prophet couple come in. I didn't get to experience much - I was part of the tithe counting crew. I found myself disappointed that skepticism was so much of my make-up. In home group this afternoon, there was just this nice mellowness. There were people who were so blessed, you couldn't help but smile often and big. Funny how we build fences, given emotion life rather than allowing them to help us understand where we are in life, and perhaps concentrate on that which is out of control.

So, this week starts a new series of disciplines. Probably lectio davina and a devotional book - Early Will I Seek You: A 40-Day Journey in the Company of Augustine. I should have probably journaled a bit more on the transitionary thinking between the Daily Office, but I think that will come in the coming days.

Communion and panentheism

2006-03-12T08:03:00.000-05:00

Friday evening I didn't perform the Daily Office because I wanted God to speak differently, more dynamically. In essence, I didn't want the component of faith that requires risk, that requires strain, to be part of the equation, and I lamented that there was no way of "breaking the rules." That's just how spiritual matters with the Lord work.

But yesterday, it occurred to me that God can provide ecstatic moments that are outside of the "rules." The mystics knew this, even Paul Tillich speaks of it, and yet I had pulled it out of the realm of spiritual repertoire. Moses and Jacob had close encounters as did Brother Lawrence. I then read Marcus Borg's introduction to the book A Prayer Book for the 21st Century in which he sets up panentheism (not pantheism) as an alternative to "supernatural theism." In the end he sees them as somewhat complementary (panentheism offers less in terms of language for worship, so in this supernatural theism plays a part, but supernatural theism can be dangerous because it makes God out to be a being in expressions we understand which is fundamentally a misunderstanding).

Borg's starting point for panentheism is trouble with God's intervention. How does one understand a God who sometimes intervenes and sometimes not? The idea is not developed much in this short introduction, but in panentheism, God is above all, but also in all. So for Borg, it sounds like reconstituted where one is looking for the intervention or maybe the whole thought of intervention by knowing that God is within creation changes everything. It would have been nice if a gave a little meat.

This week closes the Daily Office for my class. So, last night I chose to do the holy communion liturgy. It was moving, though a little odd using a can of grape juice and a wasabi rice wafer. It too had panentheistic overtones. In 21st century flare, I then watched the latest Nooma video, Rhythm. In it Rob Bell introduces the concept that "everyone has the music playing in them, it's just a matter of whether they are in-tune that's the issue," by almost stated Borg's panentheism words verbatim. At least it sounded verbatim at the time. Unfortunately, neither Bell nor Borg really gets beyond the idea that selective intervention by God seems unfair. But what an interesting day.

No Daily Office this evening

2006-03-10T23:32:00.000-05:00

I chose not to do the Daily Office this evening. I feel like I'm supposed to give to God in the Daily Office, but I really would prefer for him to speak to me. Without faith, without presumption, without misunderstanding, without theological assumptions, without all the distance and mumbo-jumbo, ...

But alas, some things are impossible.

Angry

2006-03-10T23:31:00.000-05:00

I'm angry that...

to see the things I'm angry about in a blog was just too difficult.

Daily Office this evening

2006-03-09T23:31:00.000-05:00

My sanctuary for the Daily Office tonight.

Oh God of all gods,
grant us your light this night,
your grace as we sleep,
your joy in the morning
and let us be made pure in the well of your health
Lift from us any anguish,
take from us empty pride,
and lighten our souls
with the light of your love.

Jesus Christ, Son of Mary,
Holy Spirit, Light of Life,
shield and sustain us
and all our dear ones,
this night and every night.
Amen.

Rejection, vision, and doing what needs to get done

2006-03-09T20:18:00.000-05:00

My boss today said two diverse and yet interrelated things: I'm unproductive and a disappointment, and I have great potential, could be amazing, am the most honest and kind man, my job needs me, and by the time he retires I should be in good shape (in the next two years).

As I've struggled with the discipline of the Daily Office, my work has been a struggle. I don't particularly have a vision for it. I did once. My employer was becoming recognized nationally for its technological innovation. The technology was the best in Connecticut and the state has been reviewing the standards I put together to incorporate in their large construction projects. I wanted an egalitarian organization where people would enjoy coming to work and this would motivate the best in them. I tried accommodating the broken and the odd. I engineered millions of dollars of projects and rebuilt most of its infrastructure to amazing levels. But a multiplicity of dreadful things happened and I thought the answer was that vision should be done by others. Perhaps I wasn't paid to have vision, but to do what is asked of me only. So I answer everyone's calls and emails in a timely and courteous manner, I attend meeting upon meeting and look for ways of being part of the overall community, sometimes in ways I think are unhealthy. I keep my staff minding their P's and Q's, I watch the political projects and communicate like mad, and I try to keep a step ahead of where my boss' next concern might come. So, now what?

I don't have vision for much of anything really. It seems as if most areas of my life are fairly equal in tatteredness. I have no real room for complaint, but can't seem to find motivation. But in my work, I still somehow thought I was above average, good at leading, and generally productive. I couldn't stop myself from crying in front of my boss. The things least attractive about my being were open and I hadn't even known it.

I'd been emailing a women over a couple of weeks, and then a week of silence. I emailed her this afternoon - I believe in trying to start and end things well. I think she will find the goodbye uplifting. Interestingly, things were going well and we were compatible in many respects (even a personality profile told us so!). I wonder if she found me unproductive or a disappointment? In reality it is probably good that nothing came of it, but even subtle rejection is a bit of a bummer.

What's the answer? In my first class at Hartford Seminary there was a focus on the beauty of disillusionment. To live in reality, its rawness, its potentials was better than living in an idealized lie. But, I must admit, I'm not sure how much more of the "beauty" I can take. The conventional wisdom is less sinning, more worship and praise, more Bible reading, more praying, more church, more serving, more loving, more doing what needs to get done... It's the advice that I'd give anyone, but it just seems so lifeless.

Planning, legalism, God-interjection

2006-03-09T08:11:00.000-05:00

The last few days I've been struggling with the Daily Office. "Struggling," that is Christianese for blowing-off/not doing, and yet feeling sufficiently bad about it. It's been easy blaming the paper due yesterday for consuming me. But the reality is that I own it. An aspect of the Daily Office that has been new is the component of planning. What songs will you sing, what scripture will you read, etc.? You know that some of the prayers coming up are for CEOs in the world and you can't recall one by name, so research a bit. I've lamented this in past blogs, but really it shows a lack of discipline on my part in general. I've slowly been getting back to using the Franklin-Covey principles for time management and find the same friction of having to plan.

Part of me hates to admit it, but daily devotions are necessary. Sure, let's call them legalistic, but I find that if I pull a bit from God in the daily devotions, other areas follow suit. Not that I completely disconnect, but I miss opportunities and find that my expectation of God being center of life is hazed in my mind.

Well, there is the mid-day Daily Office to jump on the wagon with!

My friend Eric has been doing the Lectino Davina (sp?) recently, which my little group did in class this week. It was a neat experience. I wasn't looking forward to moving away from the Daily Office to the more traditional Bible study quiet time, but this may be a neat place to be. I think back in my college days when we did inductive, deductive, and manuscript studies and this has brought a little more spring to my step.

My niece and transitoriness

2006-03-07T00:03:00.000-05:00

Today I found the noon-day daily office to distract me. My niece is in the hospital, thousands and thousands of miles away. All of my family were physically altered and continue to be. Their day was changed.

The outcome is unclear, perhaps tomorrow we will laugh in relief or cry in deep pain, but today schedules were altered. Yet I can talk to her by cell phone and almost feel guilty because its so easy to call, why aren't I there? It feels like she's down the block, and how silly not to be there. It feels that tangible. Yet my day is not physically changed. My schedule was unhampered; the cell phone allowed it.

Have we given something to the devil in our transitoriness? When we talk and talk and talk and talk on the cell phone, but never seem to be close? One can't blame the technology, perhaps the same argument could have been made by those contemplating post or telegraph at their dawns. When we give up the well-place hand on the shoulder or the hug for adventure or just a better paying job, have we stagnated or killed a part of ourselves? New communities develop as people move and allow for that touch, but does a society of transitoriness allow for a culture of regeneration or accountability?

Or is this just life, a series of decay and rejuvination that requires careful attention or regardless of context the significant will be lost? That perhaps there is a tendency for the love to smolder, but that need not be the summation of intertwined lives at a distance?

I welcomed the distraction.

Thoughts and the moment

2006-03-06T23:57:00.000-05:00

There was an interesting fight today in my soul. Miniscule really. When it came to the daily office in my literal office I had a bunch of amazing thoughts that came to mind. These were fresh and something that I wanted to quickly jot down to be able to remember. But I also didn't want to interrupt the flow or order of the liturgy. I found myself wanting to both just scribble a quick note and pretend the thoughts never existed. I persisted with the daily office trying to be faithful to God and at the same time see these thoughts as blessings from him. I didn't write them down, block them out, or dwell on them. Some of them have made it into this voice recorder and some of them probably haven't. But it is interesting to build my trust in the Lord that these thoughts coming to mind were a blessing and the ability to retrieve them in the context after the daily office was also a blessing.

And as I was doing the daily office today, it's a beautiful late winter-early spring day and I can see the trees and the out-of-doors, and this made for a really precious moment.

Blip with Daily Office

2006-03-06T08:01:00.000-05:00

This weekend I struggle and failed with the Daily Office. Well, failed is a bit harsh, I didn't participate in it. But interestingly it still shaped many of the thoughts and reflections for the last few days. This morning I started the third, and final, week of the Daily Office for the class. Once again it is powerful. An amazing blessing. Well worth the price of admission!

Narcissism of a sort

2006-03-05T01:22:00.000-05:00

I've been blogging for over two hours on singleness and the result has been numbing. No matter what I write there is a theological hammer that hits me in the head to say that my pain isn't justified. There are so many that have legitimate hurts and concerns. The wife who's struggling in pregnancy and home, but continues to inspire. The elderly in the convalescent home that feels fear thick and has no one to cry to. The migrant worker constantly wondering if INS will catch up or disease will overtake his child. So much real pain. The conclusion is clear, I should not feel what I feel.

Peace, contentment, joy. That's what it's supposed to be about. Worship, praise, loving. That's what you're supposed to do. Beauty, peace-making, communion. That's what you're to instill. But what happens when you've tried for years and the theology can't break through the experience? You can try redefining success or you can take responsibility, but either course seems to lead to the same place. I know it's impossible to come to a conclusion on something like this. I guess it's just venting in the end. And it's two in the morning, so perhaps later in the day will be unique and different...

eDaily Office reflection

2006-03-04T23:02:00.000-05:00

I feel I would be remiss if I didn't put down some notes regarding the Daily Office I blogged a few days ago. It was my eDaily Office experinece where I literally typed it as I was going through the morning liturgy. I was in my little office in all of its messy glory (see right). I thought it was kind of corny, but why not try it? I wondered if typing it would stain the experience. But I found that it didn't, it just changed it. Each word became much more focused than if I was just reading it. I even sang as I typed, which was a little odd, but still fulfilling. And I found that just as I made mistakes when reading and going back to correct the thought, I did the same process with typos. It took at least an hour to do it this way and because of the extended length the temptation of distraction was greater. I found myself having to concentrate more.

One of the purposes of the Daily Office is not necessarily disconnecting from reality into a spiritual time, but to offer God the moment as part of a continuum. Something along the lines of praying without ceasing. I've found this to be one of the strenghts of the Daily Office. On the other hand, one of the elements that is missing is supplication for yourself. This seems to be a huge part of my normal daily devotions (now that I've substituted the Daily Office, this has become very apparent). As I would become frustrated with a car alarm going off for 10 minutes outside my window or the intrusion of traffic noise into my experience, I realized these were part of the experience.

I felt compelled to keep with the standing and sitting rituals. This proved to be quite interesting with the keyboard and all the junk on my desk, but I found it rewarding. Even the weird ache in my back somehow seemed right. I also found that I had a way of encapsulating the various moments in the Daily Office, by the use of the Return key. I could keep my focus on little longer on a section and then there was the tangible moment of striking the Return key to the next stanza.

Daily Office at Wendy's

2006-03-04T09:11:00.000-05:00

The day before yesterday was cathartic. In speaking to one of my friends, there is a freedom to know that you are allowed to be where you are for some moment(s), if for nothing else to move somewhere else.

Yesterday I did the Daily Office in the parking lot of Wendy's at lunch. A bit difficult to stand and sit, but I managed. It speaks of our sin and repentance, but even before this God was speaking of sin and repentance. I had an email moment of humility with a vendor that I had lashed out against recently. It was the day I was sick. I was composing that email to lambash him again. What terrible service, what condescension, what a liar! And he "had won." Others in my organization thought his rhetoric made a lot of sense - I must defend myself. So I sat at the computer near midnight re-wording, re-drafting, re-thinking, re-living to the point where I stopped. Had the day yielded nothing of godly consequence? The email was short, indicating that the service he was requesting of me was in motion; no more commentary, no defense, that's it. I felt in a sense this was a reconciliatory event. Not much of one, but in that genre.

But I wasn't done. God was screaming in the Daily Office, "But you're not done with her!" With her - no, Lord. She had taken the email guy's side and my actions were justifiable as office politics, defensive territorialism, you know, just the way things get done in the "real world." I guess God missed that lesson somewhere. So right after the lunch Daily Office, I performed the paperwork my secretary would have normally done and walked it down to the accountant. I knew she wasn't the right person to give it to, but it's what I chose to do to be in proximity to her. And when I saw her, I saw the tumult of cancer time after time, the pain of multiple failed marriages, the feeling of being unappreciated, the hunched tiredness. Believe me, she's got her issues, but I had to live with her, not at a distance. I could no longer shape her into the enemy to justify myself. We walked a bit as she was thankful to get out of her office and deliver my paperwork to the right person. We parted by wishing each other a nice weekend. As with the email man, it wasn't explicit, and maybe it will require additional attention, but at least a new current has been established.

I borrowed my sister's car recently and she had the Rent musical CD on a particular song, Seasons of Love (select song 1 from disk 2 in the list to hear a snippet). Many times since hearing it, I've meditated on it. It talks about how should we measure someone's life after they are dead. Is it in terms of the cups of coffee they drank, the proportion of laughter to cruelty, the abuses, the triumphs, the disease, the honor to others, the children, the work, ... The song's conclusion is "how about love?" How do I judge the life of a person? Do I try to get into God's head to distinguish between Saved and Unsaved or decent Vs. dispicable? Do I establish acceptable standards of justifiable indiscretions for those around me, but when they cross the line, look out? Do I not require anything from their behavior to love at some deep, real, appropriate level?

Slices just make up the story - Psalms

2006-03-02T15:22:00.000-05:00

I'm finding myself being more frank through this blogging process than ever. When I would journal, I would put down pain, but would feel a compulsion to have all the answers in the end. This still comes out, but I'm becoming more comfortable with the idea that there may not be nice neat answers. Or there may be, but they unfold outside of my peripheral and take a life time to understand?

In the class for this blog, last week, the beauty of the Psalms was explored. Perhaps they allow us to express and have anger, pain, misconstrued ideas of justice that change as we mature, childish impulses that could kill in so many ways if left unchecked, beauty, worship, praise, humbleness beyond measure, or just a desire to be done with it all because the wind is so cold and the ground so hard. Perhaps expressing a thought within a blog entry doesn't mean that's the whole story. It doesn't need tidiness and respectability. I mistakenly judged Maya Angelou for a lack of tidiness. In reading her autobiography I became frustrated that she was talking as if the thought she was writing was legitimate. As a young girl she might have had such a thought, but keeping it alive now? Surely, she would know that white people weren't the originators of sex at the time of her writing this book! But then, I didn't take the time to grow with her as the story unfolded; instead I put the book down. Maybe I'm afraid that if I am angry that this is all I will be. It's just a blog entry, not the whole book.

I was talking with a woman in my Religion and Protest class last night who expressed a similar freedom. She had given up on God until she realized that she didn't have to have all the answers. People intertwine God's ways with their own and sometimes with devilish actions and thoughts. It makes no sense - how can clean and bitter water come from the same spring? Life is messy and it's not her responsibility to make ultimate sense of it, but to love through it. Jesus makes sense and that's enough. Sometimes I feel a responsibility to instill certainty in those who love God and those who don't. I want them to feel that life is solid and makes sense all of the time. I give them certainty and name it Jesus. Perhaps God isn't very concerned with concreteness? Or perhaps this is just one of many persuasions that he wants to unfold in the misunderstood and loving moments he has with us?

Snot begets snot

2006-03-02T10:54:00.000-05:00

I've found myself surprisingly impacted by the news of not receiving tenure. It's become a fissure from which unresolved frustration and inadequacy has flowed. The isolation and loneliness, prospect of hope unfulfilled, thought of a wasted life and of a life of which little difference was made because of my contribution, become a litany that raises in its volume as there is tacit pain in my chest. It's not the full story, but it's many of the pieces that I pretend don't exist and somehow see the process of pretending as a more Christian approach.

I've lashed out at those who are unkind or arrogant in order to inflict pain on them. Consultants and accountants look out. Somehow their suffering is thought to subdue mine. And they have struck back. Usually this is their game and I've just entered it somewhat naively. Perhaps this exchange is like an infant who knowingly goes beyond accepted behavior to see the boundary anew? Or perhaps it's like intoxication where what is real is intensified and caricatured precisely to get away from the bounds? No one's innocent, everyone's the victim, and somehow God is to sort it all out on judgment day. Good luck.

My response is so silly. It's so poisonous. You've met people who take these thoughts and build upon them. They have premature wrinkles. They are unpleasant and wholly unattractive. They have a momentum of death and want to inflict it upon all around. One should get it together.

But my sleep fails, my health is minimally tested, my ground of being is moved for a moment. That which ulimately concerns me shifts from God and his manifestation in the Kingdom to my desire to be contemplation- and pain-free. Numb it up, baby! I become the man that was originally judged inaccurately through the tenure process. Sometimes the Christian message of your identity having nothing to do with your context, the culture at-large, the world is crap. How can God expect us to pretend not to live here? I can't think a thought that hasn't been influenced by millions of thoughts before me; the Greeks, contemporary Christian music scene, academia, Bono, the Bible as seen through evangelicalism, the Bible as seen through liberals, crazy Dutch cleanliness notions, nationalism that somehow is identical to biblical Christianity, ... Is this an indictment or just the messiness that God comes to expect and love-through in our frailness?

All that being said, the path isn't elusive, just a bit hazy, and the emotion is catching up to the desire to do good. This morning I didn't want to do the Daily Office, I wanted to stay in the distance between God and me. I wanted to be justified outside of the liturgy of God's ancient ways. Tillich talks about the Abysmal part of God. The God that was comfortable with chaos prior to creation. The God who is relentless and offers mirrors within moments to see our mortality, sin, and darkness. In the scheme of things this mini-season is a molehill, not a mountain. And in some ways that adds to the pain - how stupid to have such emotion when you know it's not worth the energy exerted.

Even so, the correction, consequences, and hope will take traction. I don't want premature wrinkles.

eDaily Office

2006-03-02T10:00:00.000-05:00

This morning I'm feeling a bit sick and generally blah. I've taken the day to try to regroup. Hopefully, I can journal a little later on that process. Presently, I will be doing the Daily Office as I blog. I'm not sure yet if I'll blog about it in this entry or another.

...
Morning Liturgy B

Among the poor,
among the proud,
among the persecuted
among the priveleged,
Christ is coming to make all things new.

In the private house,
in the public place,
in the wedding feast,
in the judgement hall,
Christ is coming to make all things new.

With a gentle touch,
with an agry word,
with a clear conscience,
with burning love,
Christ is coming to make all things new.

That the kingdom might come,
that the world might believe,
that the powerful miht stumble,
that the hidden might be seen,
Christ is coming to make all things new.

Within us, without us,
behind us, before us,
in this place, in every place,
for this time, for all time,
Christ is coming to make all things new.

In the Holy Place
Where we can enter in
By the blood of Jesus Christ
He has given us atonement
For our sins
And a love gift sacrifice

Now let's sing (echo)
To the one who's called I Am (echo)
As we praise His Holy Lamb (echo)
As we lift our hands
In this Holy Place
This Holy place

Let us pray.

Because you mae the world,
and intended it to be a good place,
and called its people your children;
because, when things seemed at their worst,
you came in Christ to bring out the best in us;
so, gracious God, we gladly say:
Goodness is stronger than evil,
Love is stronger than hate,
Light is stronger than darkness.
Truth is stronger than lies.

Because confusion can reign inside us,
despite our faith;
because anger, tension, bitterness and envy
distort our vision;
because our minds sometimes worry small things
out of proprotion;
because we do not always get it right,
we want to believe:
Goodness is stronger than evil,
Love is stronger than hate,
Light is stronger than darkeness.
Truth is stronger than lies.

Because you have promised to hear us,
and are able to change us,
and are willing to make our hearts your home,
we ask you to confront,
control, forgive and encourage us,
as you know best.

Then let us cherish in our hearts
that which we proclaim with our lips:
Goodness is stronger than evil,
Love is stronger than hate,
Light is stronger than darkness.
Truth is stronger than lies.

Lord, hear our prayer,
and change our lives
until we illustrate the grace
of the God wo makes all things new
Amen

In the beginning was the Word
And the word was with God,
And the word was God.

A reading from Psalm, chapter 51...

Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your steadfast love;
according to your abundant mercy
blot out my transgressions.
Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,
and cleanse me from my sin!
¶ For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is ever before me.
Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you may be justified in your words
and blameless in your judgment.
Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,
and in sin did my mother conceive me.
Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being,
and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.
¶ Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones that you have broken rejoice.
Hide your face from my sins,
and blot out all my iniquities.
Create in me a clean heart, O God,
and renew a right spirit within me.
Cast me not away from your presence,
and take not your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
and uphold me with a willing spirit.
¶ Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
and sinners will return to you.
Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God,
O God of my salvation,
and my tongue will sing aloud of your righteousness.
O Lord, open my lips,
and my mouth will declare your praise.
For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it;
you will not be pleased with a burnt offering.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.
¶ Do good to Zion in your good pleasure;
build up the walls of Jerusalem;
then will you delight in right sacrifices,
in burnt offerings and whole burnt offerings;
then bulls will be offered on your altar.

For the Word of God is scripture,
for the Word of God among us,
for the Word of God within us;
Thanks be to God.

Let us pray.

Holy God,
though this world depends on your grace,
it is governed and tended by mortals.

So we pray for those who walk the corridors of power in the parliaments of this and other lands, whose judgements we value or fear.

Jodi Rell
President Bush
DD
T
CT legislatures
European leaders

May they always consider those they represent,
make decisions with courage and integrity,
and resist any temptation
to abuse the trust placed in them.

Lord hear us.
Lord graciously hear us.

We pray for those who hold key positions in the worlds of finance, business and industry,
whose decisions may profit some or impoverish many.

Head of Motorola
Head of GE
Head of GD
New Chairman of the Federal Reserve
Judge over the Blackberry case

May they always value people higher than profit;
may they never impose burdens on the poor
which they would not carry themselves;
and may they never divorce money from morality
or ownership from stewardship.

Lord hear us,
Lord graciously hear us.

We pray for those in the caring professions,
who look after and listen to
kind, cruel and cantakerous folk,
and for those who make decisions
regarding the nation's health and welfare.

Head of the FDA
N
A
A
Allied Health - M

May they always sense the sanctity of life
and every person's uniqueness;
may they help and heal
by their interest as well as their skill;
and may they be saved from tiredness
and an excess of demands.

Lord hear us.
Lord graciously hear us.

And let us remember those for whom we are responsible
and to whom we are accountable
in what we do today.

M
K
J
E
T
M
J
A
J
B
J
L
C
J
J

May we show to them
the thoughtfulness, tolerance
and kindness of Jesus.

Lord hear us
Lord graciously hear us.

Lord, hear our prayers,
and if today we might be the means
by which you answer the prayers of others,
then may you find us
neither deaf nor defiant,
but keen to fulfil your purpose,
for Jesus' sake.
Amen.

Spirit of the living God,
Fall fresh on me.
Spirit of the living God,
Fall fresh on me.

Melt me, mold me,
fill me, use me.

Spirit of the living God,
Fall fresh on me.

From where we are
to where you need us,
Jesus, now lead on.

From the security of what we know
to the adventure of what you will reveal,
Jesus, now lead on.

To refashion the fabric of this world
until it resembles the shape of your kingdom,
Jesus now lead on.

Because good things have been prepared
for those who love God,
Jesus now lead on.

...

Rejection in continuity

2006-02-28T23:33:00.000-05:00

I work in academia and my application for tenure was rejected today. I've worked very hard and this has been the worst year of my professional life. The first two years I worked seven days a week and was given great praise. Then through a series of unfortunate events I was accused of intimidation, anti-semitism, anti-Catholicism, mismanaging State funds, sexual harassment, etc. A formal investigation cleared me of it all, except purchasing time pieces unwisely and getting red in the ears when I'm frustrated. It found that many in my staff had fabricated the accusations and outright committed insubordination. Over the last six months my work has been seen as stellar. And yet, what should have been in the bag, must wait at least another year. I can't get out of the hole.

As my boss shut his office door to tell me the news, I was thinking about the daily office. By his demeanor I knew the outcome before he said a word. This morning part of the daily office was to pray for those in authority and those who are influenced by me. I had prayed for people responsible for the tenure rejection and those who had inflicted such pain on me. God would have been on my mind during this conversation regardless, but I like that there was a continuity between the daily office and real life. I also had this tension of feeling somehow duped into praying for people that would ultimately slap me again. I'm embarrased to say that I really don't want their best right now. Not that I want ill for them, but I'm tired and feel as if my career is in the hands of vindictive humans with an ax to grind, not the God who called life of chaos. It's a fleeting feeling and something more orthodox in terms of forgiveness and love will fill the silly gap soon, but for now I'm not sure what tomorrow's prayer will look like.

It's probably not as much about tenure as the frustration of not being able to "just be" that I mentioned in an earlier blog. If doing my best continues a deficit, what hope is there?